I'm ask-culture, and I suspect (though I'm not 100% sure) a colleague is guess-culture. I, probably like everyone, have various insecurities about my job skills. There are things I feel I'm very good at, and there are areas where I feel deficient. I'm admittedly sensitive about areas where I feel I don't perform as well as my peers. And this one colleague constantly makes what I immediately interpret as backhanded/underhanded comments. I feel like they are sly digs/insults aimed at these deficiencies I feel I have.
I feel I go to great lengths to calm myself and not react defensively at these interpreted sleights. There was a comment recently that really evoked my defensive reflex and I haven't responded at all for fear that I wouldn't be able to give a measured response, but I've been obsessing over the comment because it really bothers me. So I've been analyzing it...
I'd like to keep this anonymous, so I'm not going to quote the comment or name the person, but at the same time, I'd like generally to understand guess culture enough to be able to tell whether a comment like theirs is a polite guess-culture suggestion that I work on improving my deficiencies or whether they're just being malicious. So let me describe the comment without details to see if answers I receive can help me learn how to distinguish polite indirect guess culture suggestions versus malicious criticisms...
The comment is well couched in compliments. To someone else, without context, it may seem very diplomatic. It makes a seemingly benign direct suggestion of something I could have done differently. However, it indirectly and subtly alludes to my deficient skills. The commenter never suggests directly that I improve those skills, but repeatedly makes comments about mistakes I make, suggesting simple solutions - but they are solutions (to X) that I wouldn't possibly think about given deficiency Y. X and Y involve completely unrelated skills. I can do X. X is no problem. My solution to X was correct and acknowledged (in the compliments). They're suggesting something that is obvious to anyone, so I always feel like this is a criticism of my deficient skills surrounding skill/competency Y.
As an ask-culture person, I would feel imminently better if they just suggested I work on skill Y. I know they know I'm very good at X, so to me, suggesting a better solution to X has to mean something else. And for them to not directly make a statement about Y feels really offensive to me. And to be honest, I'm not sure how to describe why it offends me. Sure, I'm sensitive about my deficient skills. But why is it I feel I would be more comfortable with a direct comment about improving skill Y than an indirect "suggestion" about improving skill Y?
My wife is guess-culture and her interpretation of the comment (even knowing the subtle context) was that it was a great example of a polite guess-culture suggestion that I work on skill Y. She explained that a guess-culture person would be embarrassed and offended had it been a direct suggestion to work on Y. She felt there was no diplomatic way to say it and I immediately gave an example of a way to suggest I work on my Y skills that would feel supportive to me, but she insisted it would come across to her as embarrassing and offensive - i.e. she would react in the same way I react to the guess-culture way of suggesting I work on skill Y.
However, this person makes these comments all the time. So it feels to me like harping and constant insults.
And here's the thing... In both cases, the end result is the same. My solution to X was correct. They were suggesting an alternate way to get to my solution X that has these intangible benefits. So in a way, it feels to me like improving skillset Y is a waste of time. In fact, I feel pretty strongly about alternative things we should be doing that eliminate Y entirely from the equation. Sure, I would like to be better at Y, and I will work on it. I would just like to not feel insulted all the time.
So how do I know if the indirect skill Y comment is a dig or a polite guess-culture suggestion to work on Y?
