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I'm posting this here because I frankly am not sure where else to ask a question like this. If anyone has a better idea where this should go let me know.

I'm a third year American graduate student in a 5 year program in mathematics. I will be getting my Master's along the way this semester. For a variety of reasons I will get into below, I've felt ever since I was in high-school that working in higher academia would be an ideal job choice for me. I've been striving ever since to work towards an eventual tenure-track professorship. Lately, I've felt less-certain that I will actually enjoy this sort of life-style.

Why have I felt academia to be a good fit for me?

  1. I usually enjoy math and get a deep-seated pleasure from proving things to be true. Something about my personality genuinely loves being able to objectively show things.
  2. I like the idea of contributing to something large in scope - like an active field of research.
  3. I enjoy teaching. Especially undergraduate level concepts.
  4. I have a strong desire to travel. The idea of going to conferences a lot for my job and potentially doing several post-docs in interesting places along the way appeals to me. I have nothing to tie me to one place so I can basically settle down wherever the job market will let me.
  5. I really don't like workplace drama or the idea of working for some large greedy organization or government. (Not that frankly I am seeing academia as being too much different in these regards these days.)
  6. I don't want what I've learned to go to waste and my skillset to have been "I learned how to problem solve."
  7. I like working in overproductive/underproductive cycles. One week I'll work 20 hours, the next 80. It's just always the way I've been and academia seems to be more lenient than most places with this kind of thing.
  8. I can take summers and winters off besides research.

Why am I concerned it isn't a good fit for me now?

  1. They say someone getting a graduate degree should be really passionate about what they do. Sometimes I am and I feel really engaged. Sometimes I just don't care about what I'm learning, researching, or doing. I feel less enthused than I did in undergrad. What if this gets worse and I ultimately end up really disliking my life when I'm many years into my career?
  2. I've been having difficulties with anxiety for the last 3 years. I don't know how much this is other things in my life and how much it is graduate school. I also don't know how anxiety here will translate to anxiety as a professor or post-doc. What I do know is that I can't be anxious for the rest of my life.
  3. Ultimately, while I'm really lonely having nothing to tie me to one area - it is really nice that I have a lot more freedom in my movement than most people do. But from everything I hear about the academic job market, I could end up living somewhere I absolutely hate for the rest of my life (which sort of defeats the benefit.) [This part isn't relevant, but I'd really love to live in Vancouver (or the general Pacific NW), Southern France, Amsterdam, New England, New York, London, Colorado, Tokyo, or New Zealand.]

With this in mind. I find myself wondering if I wouldn't find another career more appealing. My personal motivation just isn't what it used to be due to anxiety and depression, and while I could be back to where I was a few years ago again soon - I also could be a lot worse off. COVID-19 really hasn't helped this either. I am in contact with barely anyone these days. I may be a bit of an introvert - but there is a limit to how isolated I want to be. I've always been so hell-bent on academia that I really have no idea what else could be out there for me.

To get to the point of the post. I'm looking for opinions on what I should do. Should I keep going for academia? Do you know a job market I would like well enough that could be an alternative choice? One thing is for certain, I need to do something with my education in mathematics. I have over 80 grand in student debt as well as a serious medical condition (not the mental health, this is something else) and can't afford to just "give it up." Especially since I have nobody's good will I could fall back on if need be.

Here are some final things that might be relevant:

  • I study Number Theory. I don't do much with cryptography but could probably transition more towards that if needed.
  • I'm a first generation college student. I might seem ignorant, but I just really didn't know anything going into the college system.
  • I like the mentor role. Be it teaching or showing others how to do something, this clicks well with me.
  • I'd genuinely be happy so long as I can live life in such a way that I can buy my fancy cheeses and wines, go to orchestras, live in a decent neighborhood with a nearby coffee shop, wear medium range clothes, and visit cool places once in a while. I don't need a fancy car, or house, or anything like that. I like splurging on some lower cost items once in a while, but I don't need to be 'raking it in.'
  • With a bad health condition its safe to say that I am paranoid about job security.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for any suggestions you might have. Ultimately whether I am in in academia or industry, I primarily want a sense of peace, merit to my work, and some vague kind of happiness.

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    What have you done to deal with your anxiety and depression? Probably best to get help with that before making any dramatic life decisions...
    – Dawn
    Commented Oct 22, 2020 at 2:08
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    I don’t see any discussion in your post that, even if you do stick with academia, this is an overwhelmingly competitive career route, especially in pure math. Have you considered the likelihood of doing those postdocs in various places and only then, at age 35, having to find a new career?
    – Kevin Carlson
    Commented Oct 22, 2020 at 4:33
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    With regard to your final bullet point, it could be worth considering moving to a country where one's health and medical treatment is not tied to one's job, i.e. some where that's not the USA. You can do that regardless of whether you're working in academia.
    – astronat supports the strike
    Commented Oct 22, 2020 at 10:29
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    This is too short for an answer, but I think it can point into a productive direction. Your concerns are very valid, BUT will they be less valid outside academia? If you aren't passionate about what you do, have difficulties with anxiety and want to be picky about job location, then you'll have the same troubles in the industry, I believe. Basically, I suggest to cosider whether the alternatives are beneficial in relation to these points.
    – rg_software
    Commented Oct 22, 2020 at 16:19
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    @confusedacademic123 No, my advice was not to go get a couple postdocs and only then leave academia. The problem is that postdocs give you almost no advantage in industry, in particular pure math postdocs. Even starting after a PhD, peers in your generation are already way ahead, and many companies may prefer to hire younger junior employees, especially if your PhD contributes few concrete skills. All these issues are exacerbated by doing postdocs first. My point was, in short, given that academia is such a challenging route to take, if you're doubtful about sticking with it, then don't.
    – Kevin Carlson
    Commented Oct 22, 2020 at 23:05

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