power, privilege, and everyday life.
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“Wow Barbie actually has a lot to say.”
A man while I was discussing politics with a group of people.
On multiple occasions, when I tell people about how I’m secular, but still culturally Jewish, they tell me, “You can’t be culturally Jewish, it’s a religion.” Yes, please dictate to me my own cultural and religious experiences. One man once told me, when I explained my situation, “Oh, then I don’t consider you Jewish. You’re an atheist.” When I told him, “You can’t tell me what I am or am not,” he said to me “I just did.”
My last semester, while working on my associates, some of the guys in my psychology class were jeering about how gays were disgusting. I instantaneously felt uncomfortable. When I asked them if their opinion of me would change if I was openly gay, two of the boys just laughed. They said it was impossible, that lesbians had a certain look, that someone ‘like me’ apparently wasn’t able to be gay just because I was polite and had long hair. They said that I couldn’t be anything other than straight as if it was their right to decide. One of them said, 'If she was a lesbian, wouldn’t it be hot, though?’ I dropped the class shortly afterward. To this day, I have never felt more objectified.
When I was going through puberty, I had a major growth spurt that left me with stretch marks. I was embarrassed about them at the time and complained about them at home. My stepmom would always ask if they were from gaining weight, as though I, a preteen who was a perfectly healthy weight, had suddenly gotten fat. She also tried to get me into a fairly toxic diet culture because she thought I was fat.
I have OCD. The level of anxiety and depression involved, as well as the fact that I don’t learn in the same way as many neurotypical people, makes it very difficult for me to function in the workplace. Invariably, when I explain to people that the reason for my behavior is that I have OCD, their response is, “Oh, I’m like that too.” What they mean is that they’re moderately nit picky, not that they suffer from a fairly debilitating mental illness.
“You’re very exotic-looking.”
An awkward, out of context “compliment” my neighbor’s white house sitter gave to me, an Asian-American woman, within 5 minutes of meeting me for the first time. I was wearing my glasses, a dumpy grey Ohio State sweatshirt, and hair in a pony tail.
I’m a disabled 22 year old using a wheelchair daily. I was visiting my friend in a dorm and using the bathroom with my caretaker when this lady comes in and asks if I’m staying here. I proceed to explain that I can’t cause of my disability and the fact my illness is terminal and I have little time left. She listens and then says “well at least you look very cute, prettier than many normal people.” Made me feel like an outcast.
“Having any body image issues? You better not say yes.”
My doctor says this, looking over his glasses at me. I feel obligated to answer, “No.” He makes me feel like I have no right to struggle with my body image because I’m thin. What he doesn’t know is I struggle with body image because I’m a survivor of sexual abuse; my rapist made me feel disgusted with my body. But I’m not allowed to feel that way because I’m “thin.”
*first week of freshman year of college*
a white girl from a dorm room across the hall from me starts talking about the James Scholar Honors awarded to some students upon acceptance to the university.
Me: “yeah I am a James Scholar, actually”
Her: *shocked* “Oh really? Is it because you are Hispanic?”
I graduated at the top of my high school class, with extracurricular activities in music, sports and philanthropy with several leadership positions.
We are both sophomores now and I have a higher GPA than her, but she still questions how I get my (merit-based) scholarships and honors.
I am a Latina engineering student. I have been working on a semester-long group project We just presented our design in front of judges who are professional engineers from around the area. I have two group mates: a female immigrant from Korea and a white male. After one presentation, one of the judges of a company for which we all want to intern approached my white male peer and congratulated him on the project and handed him a business card. He did not look at me nor my Asian-American female group mate. We all worked equally on the project. Made me feel as if my contributions will never be worthy of recognition.
I have a friend who I love dearly, but they will frequently drop bombs in conversations, like ‘If I was born with your body, I wouldn’t mind the cat calling’. It really feels like they’re insinuating that it’s MY FAULT I’m upset, or MY FAULT that these things happen to me. They don’t know I was raped, and these comments make me feel like my experiences somehow don’t matter, or that they’re my fault somehow for “girling wrong.”
Back in high school, I was trying to drop an AP course as it was adding onto the stress of college applications. A lot of the class had already dropped the course but somehow my form hadn’t gotten approved. I ran into my principal one day in the hall. Now my high school was fairly small, but I had never interacted with her much so I don’t believe she even knew my name. I asked her why my form hadn’t gotten approved and she looked at me and said, “This isn’t the Taj Mahal, you can’t just drop courses like that.” I’m very obviously not white, and her reply left me stunned because I just didn’t get it. After talking it over with my friends, they made me realize she had said that because of the brown color of my skin. I felt disgusted that someone with so much influence felt okay saying that to a kid.
I am at the doctor for chronic fatigue and tiredness. My older female doctor listens to all my symptoms and then says, “Well, with young women experiencing fatigue, my first thought is always pregnancy. What type of birth control do you take?”
“None,” I say. “I’m gay.”
“No birth control?” she says, looking alarmed. “Is there any way you could be pregnant?”
“No,’ I say emphatically. "I’ve never had sex with a man. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a woman I’ve been dating for six years.”
“Well…” she frowns at me. “I think we’ll test for pregnancy just in case, with the rest of the bloodwork.”
Why doesn’t she believe me? What is so unbelievable about a young woman never having sex with a man? Why would I lie about that?
My fiancee and I are never acknowledged as a couple, and I think this is because we are both feminine women and different races. Waiters consistently bring us separate checks without asking, shopkeepers at places we are regulars usually eventually ask “so are you two sisters? is that why you are always together?"
We’ll get comments walking down the street like "oh, so sweet to hold your best friend’s hand” or “you girls make me miss my best friend."
When I introduce her to acquaintances or old family friends as my fiancee, they are usually visibly shocked. The frustrating part is that we live in a very liberal city and most of these people consider themselves "cool with gay people” and don’t understand why I get upset.
“This is A, our system admin! Ask him about setting up your email! He can also help you with internet, printing, etc… And this is P, the female engineer!”
The head of HR, while introducing new employees.