How should I confess my feelings to a teammate I'm falling for?

Question

I need some advice on a situation I’m facing.

I'm part of my school's track and field team. A year ago, I met a new member of our team. We've always been on friendly terms, but a couple of months ago, we started spending more time together during practice, and I even began attending her church.

About two months ago, I realized I had strong feelings for her. I’ve been hesitant to express these feelings because we’re on the same team, which could make things complicated, especially if she doesn’t feel the same way. This situation has been tough for me, especially since I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and it’s led me to return to my therapist.

Now that it’s summer break, we can only communicate via text, and even that has decreased since she’s working at a camp. We usually talk about Bible verses and our perspectives on various things, including our core values, and what we treasure, and so on, as I've recently started reading the Bible myself.

During a particularly impulsive moment, I bought her a birthday gift that I believe she’ll really appreciate. My plan is to give her the gift when she returns and use that opportunity to confess my feelings. I feel a strong need to express how I feel, not just to move forward but also to get some closure, regardless of her response.

So, how should I go about telling her my feelings and asking her out?

Answer 1

If your goal is to get your feelings for your teammate off your chest and move on, your plan is fine. As well, if you've seen signs that she is reciprocating your feelings for her, your plan is fine.

If you're hoping to build a relationship with her, I would suggest against this. In fact, since you have BPD I would suggest against it in the first two cases as well. People with BPD tend to have trouble not rushing in head-long into new relationships, and idolizing their partner. It would be beneficial to pump the breaks somewhat and get to know her one on one more.

Likewise, people who are inexperienced with relationships have a tendency for grand and showy gestures, or confessions. When this is done you do not enter into a prospective relationship as equals. You enter into the relationship strongly invested whereas the other party is not. This creates a situation where the person you wish to be with is under significant pressure to match the intensity of your feelings, and to decide right away to do so. Similarly, giving a gift or performing some other grand gesture along with your confession taints the gesture, putting more pressure onto the party who is receiving this gift or service to reciprocate, proportional to the value of the gift or service. And some gifts just aren't appropriate for someone you do not have a close relationship with already.

In your case in particular, giving the gift sounds fine, so long as you do not make it a time when you confess your feelings. Her birthday is about her, and the gift is for her, so it is not an appropriate time to make it about your feelings and sate your need to get them off your chest.

I would instead suggest you make arrangements to see her more often if you are able. Go on dates with her, essentially. You can call these dates or not as you like, and depending on how they go, then that would be the best time to express how you are feeling about her. As you build up attraction between the two of you, she will then have a higher likelihood of reciprocating your feelings. You could make these arrangements now, over text or at church. Or you could make them at her birthday if you're unable to see her in person until then. But I would say that earlier is your best bet. As for what to say, you know your friend best. Invite her to something you both will enjoy, that isn't too high commitment or formality, and will give you an opportunity to talk to each other (movie dates aren't a great idea generally). Some better examples are getting ice cream, going to a cafe, or going to an arcade. Ideally think of something to do after the fact if you both are enjoying your time together, and want to extend it past the original outing.