Swim season has officially arrived. That means lounging poolside with a book in one hand and a cool drink in the other — oh, wait, you have kids?
You’ll need to slather chalky child-safe sunscreen onto wriggling bodies, adjust goggle straps with your prune-like fingers, holler “Don’t run!” every three minutes and contend with the fact that you are basically marinating in children’s pee once in the pool.
Sound like fun? Put it to the comedic parents of X (formerly Twitter) to sum up the experience in 280 characters or less.
Me: I’m such a fun mom!
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) June 10, 2023
Also me: If you splash me one more time, I’m going to drain every last drop of water out of that pool.
When you go in the pool with kids and tell them you don’t want to get your hair wet, they take that as a challenge.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 3, 2022
At the public pool with the kids; we’ve been here for 17 minutes and 247 shouts of “Mom, watch this!” long.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 8, 2018
If I have to adjust another kid’s goggles today I’m gonna drown myself in this kiddie pool.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 22, 2020
With summer coming, I can’t wait for family swim time where the kids try to drown me while my wife relaxes by the pool.
— The Dad (@thedad) May 20, 2019
“Mom! Watch this! Mom! Mooooommm!!! Watch! Mommy! Are you watching? WATCH THIS MOM!” -my childs summer pool anthem
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) June 22, 2020
My oldest has grown so much since his first swimming lesson, over two years ago. He recently moved up to the next level.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 26, 2019
All this after I told him about the "pool sharks" that eat kids who give no effort.
So proud.
Taking the kids to the community pool. This will go one of two ways: 1) They’ll want to leave within 15 minutes 2) We live there.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 21, 2022
My 5yo and I were having a great time playing in the hotel’s pool when all of a sudden she hugged me super tight and said not at all quietly, “I’m not going to tell anyone that I just peed in the pool!”
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 19, 2021
At the hotel pool my 6yo kept saying “No sex in the pool” and I stared at him dumbfounded until I finally realized he was pointing at my socks
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 22, 2021
My kids put the "P" in "Swimming Pool."
— Adam (@YSylon) September 5, 2020
Just as we got into the hotel pool today my toddler exclaimed loudly “I pooped!” Turns out she hadn’t, but by the time I realized that, everyone else had gotten out and we had the pool to ourselves. Kind of a brilliant move to be honest.
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) July 21, 2021
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 5, 2023
6-year-old: *swims in the pool for 8 hours*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2018
Me: Time to get out.
6: But we just got here.
Swimming in a chlorine pool can be a substitute for a bath, right? Because my 2.5yo is still riding that since Friday.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) August 1, 2023
Got out of the pool a little too fast and my shorts came down a bit.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 28, 2023
8yo: daddy I can see your bristles, you know your furry area, you know your welcome to the jungle, you know your wolf patch, you know your…
me: got it thanks.
You think you’ve prepared for every possibility and then you wear a bathing suit that has ties to the pool with your kids
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 30, 2018
Teach your kids not to pee in the pool but also teach them if it accidentally happens to not say anything about it.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 27, 2019
I’m sorry I missed your childhood, son, but I finally finished blowing up the pool inner tube you wanted.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 15, 2021
My summer plans include rating 17 million pool handstands “on a scale of 1-10” even though they are all pretty much 4s
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) June 6, 2022
At the hotel pool my 7yo stood in front of a Whirlpool jet and when it filled his swim trunks with water I asked “WHAT’S IN YOUR PANTS?” at which point he got out of the water and showed the entire pool what was in his pants, so apparently I need a new hotel now
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 23, 2024
pretending to be excited to watch my kid jump in the pool for the 10,000th time pic.twitter.com/BchVxLlfQj
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 25, 2021
Have kids so when you kill yourself buying, installing & maintaining a pool in your backyard for them, they can jump in for 2 whole seconds & spend the rest of the day crying that it’s “too cold” & “all your fault”
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) July 12, 2020
After the girls have played and splashed all over the pool, I tell them that it's fancy swim time. That means no more splashing or jumping on me. It's time to relax and swim like fancy ladies lmao
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 27, 2024
5yo: I'm not gonna get back in the pool.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 17, 2021
Hubs: Why?!
5yo: It's wet.
H: Water is wet....
5yo: *exasperated* Yeah, and I don't want to be.
It’s Summertime. Kids at a pool near you need you to “watch this.”
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 16, 2021
Pools: Who should we employ to save the lives of the children in the pool. How about...other, older children?
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2019
Everyone: Yes, this is fine.
5y.o: “Why is the kiddie pool always warmer than the big pool?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 11, 2018
Me: “It’s smaller, so the sun-“
9: “-warms all the pee inside it up faster.”
My girls were invited to a swim party and the mom asked for the kids to wear reef safe lotion so I dumped a bunch of goldfish in the pool so she made fucking sense.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 25, 2023
Every family has that one kid who likes to just hang out at the bottom of the pool to give his mother a heart attack. pic.twitter.com/rwdkGeaB5l
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) April 4, 2024
The lifeguards made everyone step out of the kiddie pool because a live frog had jumped into it, & I’m thinking that a frog is one of the less disturbing things ending up in a kiddie pool.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 29, 2018
I mistook my wife’s pads for swim diapers. Now my toddler is the laughing stock of this pool.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 5, 2019
It’s almost time to lose countless hours of your life, adding to your already infinite laundry pile, by washing pool towels over and over and over every single day until you die.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) May 28, 2021
I mean it’s almost summer.
Me: don't drink that filthy pool water
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 25, 2021
Also me: you don't need a bath you just went swimming
Just adjusted the goggles of a rival dad’s kid at the pool and finally got them just right.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 1, 2022
5-year-old: Are there sharks in the pool?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 10, 2019
Me: No. Never.
5: Why not?
Me: The chlorine kills them.
It's Dad Science.
Should I be concerned that when 6 throws her diving toys into the pool, she chants “Drown! Drown! Drown!” ??
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) August 11, 2022
Toddlers. Because someone needs to drink all that chlorinated pool water.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 12, 2018
Find me someone more helpless than a parent who is fully clothed with a kid who refuses to get out of the pool
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 5, 2022