How to politely get out of a carpooling situation as the car owner [closed]

Question

I found myself in a developing carpooling situation as a daily driver.

My colleague approached me the other day and asked if I could drop him off. He doesn't live far away from me and doesn't expect me to drop him off at his place. Of course, I had to say yes and dropped him off. However, I can feel an expectation that this could be - even should be a regular occurrence.

To be fair, I am not changing which route I take to go home, etc. so I understand why he probably finds this reasonable to ask. However, I do have social anxiety and generally, terrible stress management. Even if I do not change the route I take to go home, it prevents me from making additional stops or plans before going home.

For many people this probably is not an issue but, I get stressed knowing that my plans (personal plans and after work) have to be in accordance with someone else's schedule.

Mind you, I absolutely do not care about sharing the costs or anything else that is material. This has become a burden on me, a socially challenged person, who frankly doesn't truly enjoy the company of the colleague either. I mean, having a professional relationship is okay, but I have people in my life I truly care about and I really do not want anyone else in my life in any capacity.

Hoping that I have not digressed too much, to my question; how could I go about this to stop this from developing any further without being rude to my colleague? For context, we are similarly aged and he is not in a hierarchically higher position, if anything, it is the inverse.

---

Addressing a question in the comments:

Just for clarify, how many times has this happened? Do you have any reason to suspect this will be a regular thing? It reads like you were asked once?

Yes, you are right, this has happened once. However, he mentioned anecdotes of other colleagues not picking him up on the road even if they saw him and how rude that was, or other colleagues driving him sometimes and how helpful that is, etc. So there has been a foundation of not having a car and its difficulties and the outright expectancy of the "help" of colleagues who have cars. That is the reason why I got stressed even after a one-time encounter.

Answer 1

how could I go about this to stop this from developing any further without being rude to my colleague?

The next time your colleague asks you to drop them off you reply with:

Sorry, I can't today.

No explanation needs to be given, and if they continue to ask and you don't want to do it you reply with the same statement. There is nothing rude about refusing to be a colleague's personal chauffeur and any reasonable person will understand this.

Answer 2

This isn't the first time we've had this kind of question.

It's possible at this stage that you're catastrophising - one lift is hardly a "developing carpooling situation".

But if you're asked, put it as plainly as I would: I like the time alone in the car to wind down and transition between work and home, and I also want to be able to alter my journey or schedule in future without having to coordinate with colleagues.

There is no effective argument against these points - nobody could seriously argue that you shouldn't enjoy some time alone in the day, or that you should be obligated to enter into arrangements with others for the use of your own property.

And I wouldn't feel as though this is being unreasonable - I'm paying good money to have the facility of personal transport.

Answer 3

You say this person has gone on in the past about other people being rude for not picking him up when they saw him out and about. That seems to me like a pretty wild expectation--if one of my coworkers at any of the jobs I've worked, especially one that I wasn't particularly close to, got upset with me for not offering them a ride when I saw them around town, I would think they've gone off the deep end.

I don't have all the facts, of course, but given what you've told us this person has weird expectations about what other people should do for them, and therefore you shouldn't feel like you're being rude for saying no. Next time they ask you to drive them, just say you would rather not. If they push you on it, then (1) tell them you were happy to help them out once but you don't want it to become a regular thing, and (2) they're the one being rude at that point, and you shouldn't feel bad about shutting them down.

Answer 4

There's a good answer already. My addition is to do with politeness.

If asked just say you have things to do so you won't be going straight home. It's just a little bit of social grease that's a bit more polite then an outright refusal without explanation.

Answer 5

Even if I do not change the route I take to go home, it prevents me from making additional stops or plans before going home.

Then stop doing that! Don't act as a taxi driver for your coworker, don't change your plans, just let him take drop off opportunity. Just make it clear what your plans are. eg.

Today I'm leaving 5-10 minutes for 17, because I'm in hurry, I need to visit [X] on my way home, it'll take up to 30 minutes, if it's OK for you, just wait for me at 16:50 near my car

It should be clear to them that pick up opportunity requires the same time discipline as using public transport. It's not taxi.

Answer 6

One further detail, is the car trip longer than 20 minutes? Do you use the freeway/motorway to get home? If the commute takes longer than 20 minutes, it would be easier to rebuke a polite request; after all the two of you are not friends in real life.

However, in a real carpooling situation, riders would contribute to the running of the vehicle and the cost of the journey, e.g. toll, petrol/gas, car insurance etc.. If the trip is longer than 20 minutes, asking the colleague to share the cost might dissuade him from asking in the future.

Answer 7

If he asks more than a few times, offer to help him go shop for a car so he can drive himself.