I'm going to answer purely from my (9 year old) sons point of view - he is autistic, highly confident and very, very verbose, and we've had discussions on this subject in the past; I have a few trans friends and he finds the whole thing highly confusing.

The problem

There is one way the world makes sense. Boys have a winkie, girls have a not-winkie. Him/Her is the way you indicate this. Boys like being rude and riding bikes, girls like pink and 'girl stuff'.

This kind of pigeon-holing is of course discarding a very wide range of identities and subtleties, but he's autistic - this helps him get a handle on how to deal with people when he has issues parsing emotive speech and facial expressions. At least if he's dealing with a boy he knows he can be rude or talk about bikes. It works in a lot of situations.

Where it doesn't work he finds it stressful and upsetting. I work in tech and I see analogous behaviour in a some of my colleagues when they move outside a well defined comfort zone. There are a number of Stack Overflow mugs in the office, so I feel it's a good sign they are indicative of at least some users of this site.

What can be done to prevent this reaction?

With an autistic child, patience, education and discussion are key. You cannot force the issue. To do so just causes anger, confusion and pushing back. An adults response is going to be more complex, but along the same lines.

What can be done by SO?

Certainly pushing a sudden CoC change was not going to help. But they are a company - we should not expect anything less. What might have helped was a community education effort. Explain why misgendering or ignoring gender identity could cause offence, explain why the changes will improve SO as a whole, and above all give a bit of warning that change is coming.

What wouldn't help is suddenly changing the rules, and meting out punishment based on these new rules immediately, causing anxiety and upset. After all you've gained 20k internet points by being smart, by using 'they' in responses and never given offence. Suddenly the rules of the game have changed and you can have this taken away by rules that are far, far harder to understand than just 'doing your best to be polite'. A tantrum or two could be expected.

In the end I feel that a softer introduction of updated rules would have been far, far more acceptable to autistic users of this site. It is of course a bit late for that, but it's never too late to actually engage with users of the site and create something that works for a far broader spectrum of the sites users.

I'm on the autism spectrum and I'm also a member of the trans community.

I lived many years thinking I was cisgender before realizing that I was not.

I am telling you this because it means two things:

• I was educated about trans issues and pronouns late in life

• I remember what it means to not know about these

Here is what I had and still have struggled with:

• Knowing if I am only assuming someone pronouns or if I know them for a fact

• Not knowing if the person would be okay with me using "them" to talk about them (even though I know their pronouns are not "they/them")

• Not knowing if the person would rather have me speak of them in a neutral way (they/them) in front of " internet stranger" rather than unnecessarily disclose their gender/pronouns

In short:

Every uncertain situation causes me stress. And, as an autistic person, what could be seen as a "certain" situation for neurotypical people could be seen as highly uncertain for me.

Here is what helps:

• I love very clear rules. I feel the FAQ CoC is nice but, as an autistic person, I would probably want to learn much more about these issues (currently I don't because I am already educated about them). So, having online resources that I can consult to know (much) more would probably be helpful to a lot of people (autistic or not).

• As I said, I have trouble remembering if I know something for a fact or if I am just assuming. In the case of pronouns, if you care enough about them, please put them in your profile. This way, it is easier for me to go back and check if I had made a wrong assumption or not.

• For me, someone's pronouns are not information that sticks very well in my brain. It's too "abstract". So, for this reason (and some other), I tend to "they/them" everyone. However, sometimes I know the person pronouns, but I don't want to single out them by using their pronouns when I "they/them" everyone else. In those cases, I am often at loss as to what to do. What would help is if the person had put "I don't mind they/them" (or the opposite) in their profile. This way I know what I have to do and don't have to worry about hurting the other person's feelings.

• Sometimes, I see a username and I think "this person definitively uses female pronouns". However, I know that your two cultures might be different, so I don't "dare" assume anything. So, if you care enough that you specifically choose a gendered username, please also put your preferred pronouns in your profile. (You don't have to if you don't care but if you do, this will make my life easier)

In short:

Please, explicitly state out every rule (even the ones that seem implicit to you). I struggle with implicit stuff. It stresses me and I don't like it.

I'll give my own input on what I'd like as someone on the autism spectrum.

I'd like to be able to default to a neutral choice without fear of being banned or ostracized.

I have been able to adapt so far to saying him/her for transgender men and women, especially online. It's more simple because usually they use male and female names, pictures, and spread an air of masculinity or femininity and they are pronouns I am used to.

But the others... I have an issue with formulation of sentences. I have a matter of fact speaking style where I speak precisely and literally. It's structured. Ordered. It has to be, because if I try to speak emotionally then I leave that safe zone and all the careful walls I have put together to remain in good etiquette come crumbling down.

Some of the genders have really unusual rules. For example, some genders have no gender. There's a gender that states your gender is based on the gender of people you're around. So if I'm a male, and I'm talking to them, I'd call them a he. Some of the genders have no corollary with a sexual identity of male or female at all, but have more to do with roles. Some of them have to do with what species they identify as, some of them extraterrestrial. That is no joke, I have researched this. And finally, some of them straight contradict each other's core beliefs. There's a gender for people who do not believe gender can exist and find that idea offensive, which means any other gender is in direct opposition to them and their core world beliefs.

So naturally, these genders will choose a pronoun outside of "they/them" because it makes them pleased. It'll be zir, xir, whatever. So not only do I have to care about the social aspects, I have to care about how to form these words in the nominative, accusative, dative, ablative, or genitive forms.

These rules are not structured, and when I encounter rules with no structure, my mind just goes haywire. I call it a "mental rejection." There's no way for me to deal with these cases with a rule that states I cannot simply say "them" which has historically been chosen to encompass any gender.

The rule that stated that a lack of recognition of their identity is a violation of the Code Of Conduct is simply too far for me. I know this is not good enough for the staff, but honestly I feel that they simply don't care about people on the autism spectrum. Certainly not to the extent they care about these gender groups.

We're basically just tossed to the side like trash.

In response to the question some have asked here about whether there really are people with autism that have trouble with pronouns: I've worked with an autistic person that used to ask what people's names were by pointing at them and saying "What is it?" Most people didn't even understand what question was asked. Needless to say, interacting with other people was very hard for him.

Teaching the pronouns FAQ to him would be very challenging. It took years of intensive training, but he was able to go from people having difficultly understanding his idiosyncratic language to the point where his speech and behavior is typical enough that people can go for a few minutes without realizing something is different about him.

Picking things up from context is very hard for him. I am afraid that since he didn't pick up from context that humans don't make good antecedents for "what" and "it" even after it was pointed out to him several times, it would be quite a struggle for him to learn and consistently apply several screenfuls of context-dependent pronoun rules.

I wish I could be confident that moderators would be able to tell over the Internet that it's something that he legitimately has had trouble with his entire life and he isn't trolling, but that is a very hard thing to recognize over the Internet. Autistic people who have answered this very question have been treated with much skepticism, and someone has already declared to one of them on another question that they think they are really a troll that is trying to find a loophole in order to behave badly.

Knowing his personality, if the person I've worked with was introduced to the concept of neopronouns, he would be an enthusiastic adopter of the concept. He would probably choose a long and unintentionally socially transgressive pronoun for himself, and insist on assigning neopronouns to others. This would not help his "not a troll" case in the least.

This is all an enormous shame, because for all its flaws, SE has been one of the most autism-friendly places I've seen for people to express themselves and interact on the Internet, and he would be able to make a positive contribution here.