Saying condolences if relative is hospitalised?

Question

Is it offensive to say 'condolences' to people with a relative who is hospitalised? Apparently there's this kind of assumption 'condolences' is sometimes reserved only to express sympathy/empathy re grief for actual death, so it's like some kind of jinx if I say to a potentially dying person. However, the assumption appears to be false eg HIMYM S07E22.

Please explain answer and provide sources.

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Bounty note 1: please give references/sources (i already said sources above though). Eg for things like this

Because the word is so strongly associated with death, its use in a situation where a person might be going to die, could be taken as suggesting that the patient was as good as dead already. In such a situation it would be tactless, and potentially distressing, to say "Condolences". So, yes, it could be offensive to use the word when a relative has been hospitalised.

sounds like a personal opinion. sounds like a really good and well-founded opinion. but an opinion nevertheless

Bounty note 2: i'm a dumbass. the thing of davidlol from 2017 does say death only for UK. so davidlol are you arguing this: like in the UK definition of Cambridge it is death only?

Answer 1

Condolences can be expressed for any misfortune, but is most commonly used for the death of a relative, friend, neighbour, colleague etc.

Merriam-Webster gives several examples of condolences being used following a death, but also gives this example:

Within mere hours of Ted Lambros's rejection for tenure at Harvard, communications began to pour in from every important university center of the United States. Some were simply to express condolences.

Here, people are expressing sympathy that Mr Lambros did not get the position he wanted.

The Cambridge dictionary definition is

sympathy and sadness for the family or close friends of a person who has recently died, or an expression of this, especially in written form:

and this reflects the most common use of the term.

Nevertheless. it would be generally understood as a slightly humorous, but genuine, expression of sympathy for any minor misfortune such as a missed bus, broken saucer, unwanted sports result etc. It would also be understood as sympathy for a more serious, but non-deadly, misfortune.

However, in the case of a relative going into hospital, in a potentially life-threatening situation, it would not be appropriate. Because the word is so strongly associated with death, its use in a situation where a person might be going to die, could be taken as suggesting that the patient was as good as dead already. In such a situation it would be tactless, and potentially distressing, to say "Condolences". So, yes, it could be offensive to use the word when a relative has been hospitalised.

As far as I know there is no autoritative source as to what may cause distress to another person. We have a source for condolences being most commonly used after a death. In the case of a relativebeing hospitalised, each person must decide whether, in particular circumstances, it could cause distress to use a word associated with death. Similarly, one might feel it would be inappropriate to discuss what one planned to wear to the funeral, or speculate about the wake.

Answer 2

As others have said, we usually reserve condolences for the death of a relative. I think this is because suffering over the death is something that happens to the surviving relatives, so they deserve sympathy.

But when a relative is sick, we consider that it's the sick person who is suffering the most, and they're the ones we should express sympathy to. We send them "get well" cards. Even if another family member has to care for the sick relative, this is generally viewed as a family duty, not a form of suffering on their part.

I've never experienced caring for a loved one with dementia due to Alzheimer's Disease, but I've heard that it can be especially grueling. In some ways it's like you've already lost them -- the physical body is still there, but the "person" you had the relationship with is effectively gone. But even though you may express sincere sympathy for what they're going through, using the word "condolences" might still be seen as insensitive; the care they're giving to the person implies that they consider them alive.

Answer 3

Is it offensive to say 'condolences' to people with a relative who is hospitalised?

No. It is simply not idiomatic, nor is it entirely appropriate.

The OED gives

condolence

2.a. Outward expression of sympathy with the grief of others;

Etymology: < Latin condolēre = to condole v.,

And if we move to condole:

2.a. To grieve with; to express sympathy with another in his affliction. (The only extant use.)

Your question is about giving one's condolences to people with a relative who is hospitalised. However, people with a relative who is hospitalised are not grieving or suffering, nor are they afflicted with something awful.

It will be your experience that people with a relative who is hospitalised are generally worried, concerned, looking for some hope or good news.

Thus to offer condolences is not offensive, but inappropriate.

Answer 4

Yes. condolences is expressed only when a person is dead. You should not express "condolences" to the person who is is alive or any relative.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/condolence