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I am searching for a word or short phrase that is similar to "self-centered" but is not judgemental, condescending, or typically used as an insult.

I would like to use this word to describe a person that has the following qualities:

  • Kind
  • Generous
  • Giving
  • Loving
  • Caring

But also tends to not regularly think about the needs of others.

I realize that this may seem to be incongruous or contradictory, but I actually know several people with all these qualities.

The best I've come up with so far is "self-focused", but to my ears, that still sounds judgemental and a bit like an insult.

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  • I'm not sure there's an answer to this that can't be viewed as negative. The only solution would be if you could find a put a positive spin on it, like saying she's independent and doesn't care what others think of her. But that wouldn't mean exactly the same thing.
    – Stuart F
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 13:40
  • I agree with Stuart F. You could list the positive attributes and add a word, e.g., "She's kind, generous ... , although she tends to be/can be self-absorbed.
    – DjinTonic
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 14:07
  • @StuartF and DjinTonic: I'm not sure either (hence my post), but I am hoping for at least a neutral word or phrase. I hadn't thought of DjinTonic's suggestion of self-absorbed. Taken literally, that initially seemed neutral, and I thought it might work. But after a couple minutes of thought, it does seem a bit negative as well. Hmmm...
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 14:10
  • Maybe a way to think about it is to assume we have all those qualities. If so, how would we like someone to refer to us?
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 14:11
  • @RockPaperLz-MaskitorCasket Indeed, the dictionary definitions were promising :-) but I ditched an answer because almost all examples were in contrast to positive qualities. Self-involved redirects to self-absorbed.
    – DjinTonic
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 14:17

6 Answers 6

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"Introspective" means "turned inwards," and can have positive connotation. It could suggest focusing on one's self with a view toward improvement, or at least a dispassionate view, not just self-adulation.

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  • In fact, it could be a great euphemism for self-centered, inserted into praise as a way of spinning a character flaw as a virtue.
    – Andy Bonner
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 16:25
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    I upvoted this because it is typically not seen as an insult, and is often used as a compliment. It also provides some personal insight into how people with all these qualities perhaps perceive the world (and people) around them. I'm not sure if it's exactly what I'm looking for, but it's at least on the right track. Thank you.
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 23:18
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You are seeking an ameliorated version of tends to be self-centred.

Somewhat insular; may lack a broader view; can be solipsistic; shows some signs of adopting personally orientated solutions; would benefit from being less self-contained.

Fronting almost anything with "Occasionally..."; "Has shown a few instances of..." "Should look to improving ...", etc., may help.

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    [You are seeking x.]
    – Lambie
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 16:15
  • @Lambie I'm not familiar with the meaning of your comment. It was upvoted, so I'm guessing it's something specific to this SE. Can you explain what you meant?
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 23:20
  • Insular is an interesting (and helpful) choice of words. I upvoted because it is not a word typically used as an insult. It has, IMO, a slightly negative connotation, but it's much closer to neutral than self-centered.
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 23:22
  • Withdrawn ? Perhaps if we know more about why the person doesn't think of others.
    – DjinTonic
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 1:00
  • seek takes a direct object and without the pronoun for. Cheers.
    – Lambie
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 12:45
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oblivious

Lacking active conscious knowledge or awareness m-w

Not aware of or not concerned about what is happening around one. Lexico

Unaware or unconscious of. With of, to. (Now the usual sense.)

He was so little given to observation as to be frequently oblivious of what was passing around him. OED

My gift has always been to be more aware of the feelings of those around me than my generous but often oblivious spouse. Darlene Porter; Lives of Our Mothers.

Conversely, we all know lovable dolts who care deeply about others, but are oblivious to how their actions affect them. D. C. Rose; The Moral Foundation of Economic Behavior.

The boy was utterly unconscious that he was treading on delicate ground as he rattled on his his warmhearted, frank and generous way. Totally oblivious that the very name of Ruthven must be unwelcome if not offensive to his listener, he... R.W. Chambers; The Younger Set

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  • This goes in a bit of a different direction, and one I hadn't thought of. Thanks. It's too negative, but exposes a whole new direction of finding a good word or phrase, which is very helpful. Thanks again.
    – End Antisemitic Hate
    Commented Aug 26, 2021 at 23:25
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I'm with what DjinTonic has said in comments.

Self-absorbed is the best non-judgmental word I can think of.

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"Self-possessed" might be a good option.

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    Why would it be a good option? Please provide support for your choice, and a cited reference if possible. Simply suggesting a word without providing a convincing argument hardly constitutes a useful answer.
    – DW256
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 3:57
  • Oh, thanks. Sorry, new here. Self-possessed means in control of one's self, and synonyms range from self-assured to cool and composed. If your looking for a nice way to say self-centered (preoccupied with oneself), self-possessed is almost a mastery of oneself. But it could also be taken as a different word entirely, along the lines of cool and collected.
    – Justinfromthewest
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 16:22
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This isn't a perfect fit, but it might be good enough for what you are looking for:

"Flying by the seat of my pants" — ignoring predetermined plans or mechanics by his own initiative. Also using your own experience and trusting your own judgement to make a decision, ignoring other relevant helpful aids

Adding in my comment to the description:

The idea behind the idiom is to say that I am doing things as I please, regardless how others react and regardless of their instructions or opinions

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    Can you elaborate on how this could imply self-interest, like how someone flying by the seat of his pants is ignoring the needs of others?
    – livresque
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 1:24
  • @livresque The idea behind the idiom is to say that I am doing things as I please, regardless how others react and regardless of their instructions or opinions
    – brw59
    Commented Aug 27, 2021 at 1:29

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