Do we have any information on what the "preferred pronouns" are?

Question

As far as I can tell, this whole mess started with a dispute about not using the pronoun a person wanted to be used to refer to them, but using instead, their name or some other neutral and polite designation.

Is the preferred pronoun, or whatever its correct name is, confined to singular they, or are there some new pronouns that people are insisting on? If so, are these new pronouns in the OED?

As for singular they, because I used it twice above, I am clearly OK with it, provided it does not introduce ambiguity or weirdness. It is better than he/she.

I was horrified when, as an ELU newbie, I first encountered singular they in the Profiles, but shortly thereafter there was a Q about it and I learned that it has a long history of respectable usage.

Although I am very unhappy with the way Monica has been and is being treated, I don't know how I feel about the exact English usage that was the ultimate cause of this mess (other than the Orwellian aspect) because that is a mystery.

Answer 1

For those interested in delving deeper; Monica Cellio's dismissal as moderator on six sites, including Meta, stems from the updated CoC (Code of Conduct) which Stack Exchange plans to release this coming Thursday.

This has led to flurry of resignations (16) and a formal moderators' letter as well as numerous posts on Meta.

Currently, there are three questions about the ‘singular they’ on Meta Stack Exchange.

I'd Personally like to thank @ab2 and @Lawrence's question for bringing this to the attention of the EL&U community.

Answer 2

The Code of Conduct did not specifically state a preference for using pronouns when a user's pronouns are unknown. I personally use singular they for this purpose. Others might use a different pronoun, and that's ok, when the user's pronouns are not known. In that sense, there is no "preferred pronoun".

However, when the user's pronouns are known (particularly if they are expressly stated by the user), everyone is expected to make a good faith effort to use them. This isn't a "preferred" pronoun either. It's the person's pronoun.

Generally speaking, using she or he is easy to understand. Most people are familiar with those pronouns and are polite about being corrected. For instance, we can understand not wanting to be called he when we're actually she, even if we don't really mind if that happens to us specifically. So that part of the policy -- let's make sure we respect people's pronouns -- makes sense to pretty much everybody. If you know I'm he and you consistently refer to me as she, even after I have asked you not to, that violates our fundamental "Be Nice" policy.

Where it gets harder is when we talk about gender identity. Online, we're just usernames. I can tell you I'm he without any baggage of your perception of my gender, and we're not sharing a bathroom, so I'm not in a position where I have to justify my identity. I can just be he because I said that's who I am.

But not everyone feels like they fit neatly into a binary gender pattern, meaning they don't necessarily feel like he or she fits right. They might feel gender-neutral, or gender fluid (their experience changes over time), or somewhere sort of in-between he and she, and we call this "nonbinary gender" (or enby). I can't describe the enby experience because I'm not, but all I really need to know is that they feel like a different pronoun is the right pronoun for them. That's commonly they -- it's by far the most common amongst all the enby people I know -- in part, I think, because we are already used to using singular they when gender is unspecified or to specifically obscure gender. There are also neopronouns, which Tonepoet has linked resources for.

I believe these usages are in the OED, but even if they are not, I encourage you to use them when asked. Here is the thing. It's not about whether a person's pronoun is grammatical in your perception of what's proper. It's about that person's identity as a human being. I would be hurt and upset if other people argued whether it was grammatical to refer to me as he, and if they were further offended when they offered to refer to me by some other pronoun that was "proper" so long as it was not that one and I said no because I'm he not some other pronoun.

Again, the change to the Code of Conduct is not intended to punish people who are trying. We know it's difficult, especially for non-native speakers and especially for non-native speakers of gendered languages. The important thing is that we all try to respect people's identities.

Thank you for asking. I know that many, many, probably all of my transgender and genderqueer friends are tired of having to explain it to everyone. I have done my best to accurately represent their viewpoint in an effort to spare them having to do it again, but I welcome education if I have missed the mark.

Answer 3

Sometimes people use they online to obscure their gender for safety or social reasons where they might use a gendered pronoun in real life. I don't think I have much to add, but it seemed like this was a completely separate point in the discussion, so I made a separate answer for it.

Answer 4

A preferred pronoun is basically anything a person might prefer to be referred to in place of the normally assigned third person pronouns, and the only way to know somebody's preferred pronouns is to be informed on a per-individual basis.

Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue by Nicholas M Teich

Pronouns can be a bit more complicated than just he or she. Because we know gender is on a continuum, in a way, pronouns are, too. The vast majority of trans and nontrans individuals use he or she. Some people may prefer their (used as a singular pronoun) or a host of other words. It can be very difficult to remember to use nontraditional pronouns, but it is important to respect people's wishes.

Social Work Practice with LGBTQIA Populations: An Interactional Perspective

On Pronouns

You cannot assume that you know anyone's pronouns, and therefore, it makes sense to ask every new client what their pronouns are. You may want to start by introducing yourself with your pronouns the first time you meet any new client (i.e., 'Hello, my name is Kate, my pronouns are "she" and "hers"), giving space for your client to then respond with their pronouns. By introducing yourself and identifying your pronouns, you are not only clarifying the client's pronouns for your own use, but also modeling the use of inclusive language, which benefits all clients. When inquiring about a person's pronouns, avoid asking a client what their 'preferred' pronouns are. Asking a client for 'preferred' pronouns implies preference over truth. A person's pronouns are their pronouns, it isn't about preference at all.

This includes more than just the standard set of pronouns. It includes any number of spivakian pronouns which is defined by trans@mit's Trans and Gender Variant Terminology* glossary as

New terms proposed to serve as gender-neutral, thirdperson, singular, personal pronouns in English. See also “hir” and “ze.”

A more complete but non-exhaustive list of examples can be found at The Western Organ University's Safezone Webpage for Pronouns:

Answer 5

Is the preferred pronoun, or whatever its correct name is, confined to singular they, or are there some new pronouns that people are insisting on?

No, it's not confined to singular they. Yes there are new pronouns.

From the Official FAQ on gender pronouns and Code of Conduct changes (now deleted by Stack Exchange):

Q9: Do I have to use pronouns I’m unfamiliar or uncomfortable with (e.g., neopronouns like xe, zir, ne... )?

Yes, if those are stated by the individual.

An updated answer to a newer post was given by SE community manager Cesar M (emphasis in quote as in original, please don't edit; see link for full context):

Answer:

We believe that all participants on Stack Exchange’s websites have the right to participate using the gender pronouns that reflect their identity. You cannot knowingly misgender people. This is what the CoC update is about at its core. Our intention is not to tell you what to think or force you to act in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Interacting with people online is often confusing and distressing. We want to minimize this for everyone. When users are in a situation that makes them uncomfortable, they can always step away or ask for help (raise a flag).

Following the CoC doesn’t require someone to go out of their way to use pronouns. If someone prefers to omit pronouns entirely, they’re welcome to do so, as long as it’s not used in an obviously unnatural way. For example, you can change "The OP wrote in his question" to "the OP wrote in the question" this is a non-obvious rephrasing. If you're writing "The OP wrote in the OP's question" for a user who asked you to refer to them with a neopronoun, that is more clearly discriminatory unless this is your default way of writing. No matter the case, no one can knowingly misgender people, so if/when you use third-person pronouns for someone, use their stated pronouns. – Cesar M♦

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I was horrified when, as an ELU newbie, I first encountered singular they in the Profiles, but shortly thereafter there was a Q about it and I learned that it has a long history of respectable usage.

Don't worry about it too much, the FAQ has you covered:

Q3: What should I do if I make a mistake and use the wrong pronouns?

If you make a mistake, apologize and correct your mistake if possible (e.g. by editing your post). We recognize that this may be new to many people, particularly members of our community who do not speak English as a first language, and so mistakes will happen as we all learn together.