Edit
Thanks to all the people who read the question, I have devised a plan to hopefully solve my situation. But first, some stuff that I learn as a result of this post and talks that I have with other academics:
- This situation can not be reduced as a dichotomy between being in academia or not since a similar situation can happen in the industry (although I still think that in academia there are some systemic issues that help this kind of stuff to happen)
- None of the stuff is "Normal" or the product of my weakness but real issues (if someone finds this post in the future and is in a similar situation please know that this is not normal and that feeling bad about it is the only normal part of it)
My plan: Since I am in my third year I would try to finish the PhD. I would start by talking again with my supervisor and requesting a series of changes including a healthier workload and more access to conferences and international cooperation, hopefully, he will be too eager to finish the conversation, and after insisting a lot, he will accept. I will try to set some clear and specific goals there so there is less chance of him changing his mind later. Additionally, I will start searching for opportunities outside his lab, both in academia and in the industry to make sure that I have plenty of options when I finish, my first step in that regard would be to try to expand my network and learn about the applications of my skills in the industry. My hope is that with the requested changes and the motivation from the new activities I would be able to finish the PhD and find good opportunities.
Thanks a lot, wish me luck!
Original post
I know this has been asked a thousand times before, and I apologize for the long question, but none of the previous answers shed light on a specific issue that is eating my mind. What's part of a normal academic life and what's not? and how to know if you are just discouraged and when you should accept that academia is not for you.
Let me provide some context. I am a third-year Ph.D. student at a small University in Europe. I am originally from South America I accepted a PhD position here since the topic was of my interest and because I was afraid of not finding other opportunities. The first 2 years of the Ph.D. were not as I imagined but they were not bad either. However, I have been growing warier and warier of my supervisor and feel kind of anxious about working with him.
He is a very competent scientist with good experience and know-how, he handles some academic-related things with ease and I have learned a lot with him. From my side, I have tried to keep a friendly relationship with him and I work my ass off every time I am required to (although admittedly I do feel burnt out sometimes). However, I really have issues with some attitudes or past actions of his, and my motivation and happiness have dried out, for example:
He angrily demanded me to change my student picture in the system because I looked too much as a "drug dealer" (his actual words)
Telling that "we have more important things to worry about" when I asked for his help in securing, through project funding, a contract for me with health insurance, since such insurance is a requirement for my visa.
Constantly changing our agreements or his promises, for example, one of the reasons I decided to stay was because he promised extensive international cooperation, and well he does cooperate with international researchers across Europe but it's only him, he is the one traveling and meeting people and such. maybe this is something that is the product of my inexperience but does all international cooperation at the PhD level work like this?, I mean it's only the supervisor who has contact with the other researchers and then brings the work he agreed upon with them to us the students?
On the same note he really dislikes when I suggest going to international conferences, apparently, he is too afraid that other labs would steal his ideas and hence strongly opposes the idea of any of us going to an international conference. He does however approve to present work in much smaller conferences inside the country.
And finally, he is really discouraging. I understand that his role is to "steer the ship" if you must, and keep us focused on our objectives. And I acknowledge that the type of boundless curiosity that I show sometimes can be counterproductive for a project. But it feels he prefers me to do nothing than to have an idea and this discouragement feels rather aggressive sometimes. He is very protective of the data and publications of the lab and this makes it difficult for me to find papers to work on for my dissertation. So I use old forgotten data (with his permission) and make my own papers, however, there is always a great deal of resistance on his part, continuously saying that the idea is bad or that I am not qualified to carry it out.
What I have tried:
- I tried speaking to him on several of these matters (many times), but he avoids the conversation as much as he can and capitulates fast to move on, frequently promising more papers or projects or cooperations in the future to convince me that things are good.
What options are out of the table:
- No higher or regulatory body to intercede between us, no such thing exists in my university, and as far as I can tell, the culture of the relationship between supervisor-student in this country sees these things as normal, especially if you are from a third world country like I am. So would not help either.
In general, I notice certain aggressiveness and even racism coming from him, and it has become more and more difficult to ignore it. He is not an aggressive person per se, and a lot of the stuff he does I think comes from ignorance or inexperience (I am his first international student), In all fairness, I am grateful to him, but I think he has a really bad style of leading and a wrong idea about how a leader projects strength. Additionally, I have started to long for a simpler life, no work on weekends, no late calls, a better salary, and being close to my family, from my experience, academia is not the right place to achieve that, and I am afraid that everything that comes after PhD is going to be the same.
In light of this I would like to ask the following questions:
- Are these things normal, am I complaining too much?
- If this is reason enough to stop the Ph.D., can someone share their experience about changing PhDs or quitting academia altogether? Can intellectual fulfillment can be found outside academia?
- If the best option is to continue, how to deal with the anxiousness and frustration that these problems cause. At what point would it be better?
Thank you for all your insights.
