Carrie Bradshaw is back! Well, she appeared in a Super Bowl ad for Stella Artois at least. So what would she be doing in 2019? “I’m sure she has a lot to write about given what’s happened in this country over the last two years politically (and) socially,” Sarah Jessica Parker told E! recently. “I think she would be deeply engaged in those conversations.” Clearly, these conversations would be happening online – and definitely on Instagram.
Below is Carrie’s imagined Insta feed and what themes would be thirsting for ‘likes’ …
Loose attempts to ‘join the conversation’ politically
We might not have known it in 2003, but Carrie Bradshaw is fake deep. Like fashion or the personal problems of her friends, politics surely also exists to Carrie only as a window into what might be going on in her own life (“with everything going on generally in healthcare, I had to wonder: is heartbreak a pre-existing condition?”). Still, Carrie’s never-ending fountain of puns would be put to good use in this era of the viral protest sign. I’m sure Miranda made the whole gang pussy hats.
Subtle photos of Big that he asked her not to post
Obviously, John would not have Instagram. In fact, it seems extremely likely that he would have had a stern conversation with Carrie about not wanting to be anyone’s #relationshipgoals. His wife, on the other hand, literally built a career out of being one of those people who compulsively “my boyfriend”s five minutes into any conversation. It stands to reason, then, that Carrie would become a master of the uninvited candid: snapping Big reading the newspaper, hanging back a little to catch him walking away, maybe even catching bae slippin, all in service of a stealthy #mcm.
Book stacks in sunlight
This is an undeniable staple of writerly Instagram: a way to assert one’s taste, brag about getting cool galleys early, and make good use of the way the light hits the coffee table in the afternoon. Carrie’s version of the manicure-on-a-manuscript post would have to be a little lighter than average … perhaps a stack of her own books? A discreet but searing burn on whatever trash Berger published recently? Or maybe back issues of Vogue, instead of dinner … It would feed her more likes.
Shoes, duh!
Full-on flat lays are a younger woman’s game, and I’m sure Ms Bradshaw would have much to say about the Caroline Calloways of the world, but at the end of the day I doubt our girl is above a classic bright-tiles-and-fancy shoes snap. After all, Carrie was proposed to via Manolo. This is her version of the “nothing to see here, just a nice pumpkin spice latte and my engagement ring SOMEHOW snuck into frame!” shot clogging everyone’s feeds around Christmas and Valentine’s. Showing off fancy footwear is a hallmark of Sarah Jessica Parker’s real-life Instagram, too.
Meaningful quotes
“She thought she could … so she did.” “It’s not the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.” Most of the inspirational quotes floating around Instagram in a curly font could have easily originated in one of Carrie’s columns. Would she mine the accounts of yoga hotties for important thoughts of the day? I think so. Could we see her accidentally posting an ironic meme with full sincerity, having misjudged the picture of the sunset behind it? Probably. Might she put a fun Bradshaw spin on a done-to-death UK classic and Keep Calm, Carrie On? Yes, and I’m sorry.
Thot-y Throwback Thursdays
What are #tbts for if not showcasing iconic looks and visible nipples gone by? This would be, I think, Carrie at her IG best: looking back on the sartorial choices of a simpler time, and the various stolen shoes and naked dresses that came with it. Carrie is the kind of woman whose happy birthday posts are always throwbacks where she looks amazing and the friend in them wasn’t quite ready for the photo: “Happy birthday to the amazing, strong, fiery Miranda. Here she is moments after giving birth … I had just run in from a fashion show!”
Plane wings
If you think Carrie is above a picture of some clouds from the air, you’re sorely mistaken. Get a few in-flight vodkas in her and she’ll be marvelling at the mechanics of flight with the rest of Instagram. As a bonus, travel is always a good excuse for a long caption about journeys.
