To the outside world, it seemed as if he had it all.
At just 34, Kane* had already become a successful business owner. As a builder by trade, his revenue had soared over a decade, earning him millions. He had also invested in property, owning three homes by himself.
But beneath the surface, things were different. He struggled with a poor relationship with his parents and couldn’t sustain a successful romantic relationship. One of his former girlfriends had described him as “emotionally stunted”.
Emotional numbness can be an insidious and debilitating response to trauma, manifesting as a protective mechanism that shields individuals from overwhelming pain. However, while this emotional detachment may offer temporary relief, it ultimately impedes the healing process. Overcoming emotional blunting is a crucial step toward trauma recovery, enabling individuals to reconnect with their emotions and begin the journey toward healing.
Trauma disrupts the emotional and psychological equilibrium of those affected. Whether stemming from personal loss, abuse, violence or a catastrophic event, trauma can leave individuals feeling disconnected from their own emotions and the world around them. Emotional numbness is a common consequence, and is characterised by a pervasive sense of detachment, where feelings of joy, sorrow, anger, and love become muted or entirely absent.
Kane said during arguments with his previous girlfriend of two years, he would simply “shut down”. “I wasn’t giving her silent treatment, but I just didn’t want to engage or respond, particularly because I knew it would make me angry or upset. In the end, I just terminated the relationship like I would a contract at work,” he told me.
Emotional numbness is a survival strategy
When the pain is too intense, the brain protects itself by shutting down emotional responses. While this can help individuals cope in the short term, it can become very problematic when it persists, preventing someone’s recovery.
The journey to overcome emotional blunting begins with acknowledging its presence and understanding its purpose. It’s essential to recognise that this detachment is not a sign of weakness nor a personal failing, but rather a natural response to extreme stress. Accepting this can be the first step toward reclaiming one’s emotional life.
Therapy can help individuals identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that perpetuate emotional numbness. By learning to reframe these thoughts, individuals can gradually re-engage with their emotions in a controlled and safe manner. It’s also important to address the underlying causes of emotional numbness with the help of a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. Group therapy can be helpful too. Sharing one’s story in a supportive environment can be profoundly liberating, breaking the isolation that often accompanies trauma.
Even practices like trauma-informed yoga, breath work and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) can help release the stored trauma from our bodies, facilitating emotional reconnection. It also encourages mindfulness, helping individuals to stay present and observe their thoughts and feelings. This heightened awareness can gradually help someone reconnect with their emotions.
Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during moments of pain or failure. By practising self-compassion, individuals can create a nurturing internal environment that supports emotional healing.
Until Kane sought help, he hadn’t realised how the enmeshment and parentification with his mother, along with his emotionally absent father, had affected him. These dynamics left him unable to emotionally connect with anyone in his adult life. He used work and achievement to suppress his emotions, allowing him to avoid feeling them altogether.
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While he viewed his mother as a supportive parent, he came to understand that as a child he had taken emotional responsibility for her and in that process, lost his childhood. He was always the responsible one. In this way he became numb to his feelings in an attempt to continue to protect himself from any emotional pain.
As Kane became aware of the lack of intimacy in his life because of his experiences during childhood, he agreed that we should slowly begin to unpack his history in a safe therapeutic environment. He began to gently move towards trusting his feelings and allowing them to guide him to become open and authentic in his relationships with potential partners. This has allowed him to expand his life in all areas.
From a growing body of research, we know that early trauma takes a staggering toll on our physical, psychological, emotional and social health. Although trauma plays out in very different ways for different people, Kane now understands that his numbness shielded him from feeling the helplessness he often felt. That understanding helped him to better support himself to become more empowered and to gain the agency which he lost to trauma. He has developed resilience and access to greater vitality and openness in his emotional life.
It’s important to recognise that overcoming emotional numbness is not a linear process. Progress may be slow, and patience and perseverance are essential. Each small step toward emotional reconnection is a win, paving the way for deeper healing and resilience.
*Name has been changed for privacy and Kane’s story is an amalgam of several cases
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In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
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Diane Young is a trauma specialist and psychotherapist at South Pacific Private