Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my early 30s and have totally lost my sex drive. The thing is, when I look at my husband from across the room, I still find him really attractive and sexy but, when it comes to actually having sex, I just don’t feel like it at all.
Sometimes we start, but it’s always half-hearted for me and I usually either go through the motions or just give up. It’s been ages since we’ve done it and really enjoyed it, and the longer this drought goes on, the more comfortable I am with not doing it.
I know my husband is stressed about the lack of intimacy, even though he’s very patient and understanding. We have an 18-month-old son, who I’ve only recently stopped breastfeeding. I thought not breastfeeding might improve the situation in the bedroom, but it hasn’t.
The other night my husband tried to initiate sex, but I pulled away, saying I was too tired and needed to sleep, and he looked very hurt. Do you have any idea on what could be behind my low libido and any advice?
Coleen says
I agree – not having sex is now a habit and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get back in the saddle (so to speak). It probably feels awkward now and difficult to talk about, but you need to address it.
Tell him how you feel and reassure him that it’s not because you’ve gone off him, in fact you still find him very sexy. Then commit to working together to find a way back. The reasons for your low libido could be psychological or hormonal or both. It’s worth visiting a gynaecologist or your GP to rule out anything physical.
But you’ve only recently stopped breastfeeding and looking after a toddler is exhausting, so sex is often put to the bottom of the “to-do” list. It’s easy to forget you’re a sexual being when all you want is a cuppa in front of the telly before going to bed.
The two of you need to make a plan – that might be a night away; not with the idea of rampant sex because that piles on the pressure, but time away to spend with each other. Have a meal, have a drink, reconnect as a couple and talk.
It’s also pretty normal for couples to go through different phases in their sex life, depending on what else is going on in life, so don’t panic. But don’t ignore it so that it becomes a bigger issue. Commit to a day a week or even a day a fortnight that’s just about you and your partner to help you get back on track.