'I don't want my 18-year-old daughter having sex under my roof - I worry I'm a dinosaur'

Dear Coleen

My daughter, who’s 18, has been dating her boyfriend for about a year now and they met at the sixth form college where they’re both studying. He’s a really nice boy, so I have no problem with him as a person. However, recently she’s been asking if he can stay over here on a Friday night, as they usually go out after college with their friends and she says it makes sense for him to “crash” at ours, as we live nearby. So far, I’ve said no, and it’s caused a few arguments.

I’m not stupid enough to think they’re not having sex, but I don’t know if I’m comfortable about them doing it under my roof. My husband thinks I’m a dinosaur and that we should let them stay over together in her room, but so far I’ve managed to avoid it. I’d love some advice on this – am I a “dinosaur” or is it OK not to want them sleeping together here?

She says her boyfriend’s mother would happily let them stay over at her house, but it makes no sense as her boyfriend has a single bed, and they live too far away. She is my eldest child so I have never been faced with this issue before.

Coleen says

This one comes around for all parents at some point. I don’t want to say you’re a dinosaur because I know lots of people who feel the same way and I think it’s perhaps a lot to do with the attitudes you’ve been brought up with yourself. In terms of my kids, it was never a case of them bringing different people home, but if they were in a relationship, then my attitude was, I’d rather it was under my roof than anywhere else.

I probably felt that even more so with my daughter. Perhaps that’s the reason why your husband is more open to the idea. One strategy you could take would be to say: “Listen, this is difficult for me, but if I agree to it, I really don’t want to hear any swinging from the chandeliers or anything else.”

In all the years my kids have had their partners here, I’ve never heard a squeak coming from their rooms. Your daughter has been with her boyfriend for a year so, you’re right, it’s either already happening or it’s going to happen. Personally, I’d rather it happened under my roof instead of someone else’s.

In my experience, once you get over the first night, you’ll actually start to enjoy them being with you. You’ll hear them come home and talk about their night out and see them chatting together over breakfast in the morning. I’ve always had a houseful of young people and I love having them here. I think it’s kept me young and it’s a lot of fun. Your daughter will also feel safe, loved and respected by you.