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I'm trying to create a mildly utopian setting. When my characters need to address someone formally and I realised that the default English "Mr" or "Ms" I was using is full of cultural baggage around gender. Although it creates the sense of formality I am after, it doesn't make sense in a setting where gender and women's marital status are not a central concern of society.

What can I use as an alternative form of address or title that isn't based on gender? Ideally I am looking for words that already exist in English (or derive from something that exists already) and feels natural to say. It might discriminate in a different way - perhaps there would be different forms for younger or older people or some other hierarchy of respect, just not the one we currently use in English.

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    $\begingroup$ Why do you need such empty titles? The Romans did just fine without such. If a man had an actual meaningful title, it was used. If not, not. $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 13:48
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    $\begingroup$ The cool thing about worlds is that they're arbitrary symbols devoid of any meaning that we don't attach to them. What makes you think that there would be a singular specific answer to this question? $\endgroup$
    – sphennings
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 17:48
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    $\begingroup$ This question is about writing, not worldbuilding. $\endgroup$
    – Joachim
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 18:07
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    $\begingroup$ @Joachim I absolutely disagree, otherwise I'd have put it in a different stack. This is an element of a distinct setting I am creating and part of what differentiates that world from this one. The way people use language is part of culture, cultural worldbuilding is worldbuilding. If "how can I differentiate this aspect of my fictional world from the real one" is not a worldbuilding topic it's hard to see what would be. There are some pretty great answers here, so the question clearly is answerable. $\endgroup$
    – glenatron
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 22:27
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    $\begingroup$ The Hyperion Cantos just used "M." and never explained what it was for. I kinda liked it. $\endgroup$
    – Azor Ahai -him-
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 23:45

14 Answers 14

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Find what your society values more than gender

Discriminate by that to create implied honorifics. There exist plenty of words in the English language to do just that whichever value you choose.

In the English language these titles/honorifics came to be because obviously the society cares about gender, and for women possibly their eligibility for marriage. This is what the society cares/cared about. However it also should be fairly immediately obvious. In general people could determine easily which gender they were addressing, which provided an easy way to distinguish people. Even though it is less so in modern society. Any trait you'd pick would be preferred if it was as easily distinguishable as that. For example age, physical features like hair/eye/skin colour, style of dress, etc.

Others could be more contextual, and would be harder to use for strangers. The words Elder and Master come to mind. Elder is already used in a form where the person addressed is older, and therefore implied wiser than the speaker. Master is used when the person addressed is implied more skilful or powerful. Honourable could be used similarly.

Another way to get around this issue is to create a new system where titles work in similar way the old titles of "Lord" and "Lady" came to be: by profession or status. One could call someone a CEO John Doe, which implies more respect than Streetsweeper John Doe.

Edit:
Please note that depending on which value you pick, the undertone of your story will change accordingly. For example: I've mentioned distinguishing by skin colour above as it's a readily available feature to distinguish someone by. Even if you create a world where this does not a have huge underlying political and social history, and skin colour means nothing to these people apart from simply being a physical feature and nothing else, this doesn't mean it is the same for your reader. Your reader will still have these associations and will read the story with these hidden undertones in mind. This doesn't always have to be a negative, and can be used as a powerful tool to set the mood/political/social climate for your story. This has to be purposefully done and carefully considered though.

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  • $\begingroup$ This is a great way of thinking about the question. The last bit here might be my solution because I could tie it in perhaps to the religious path someone follows, so it becomes an address based on their chosen path through life, reflecting another aspect of the setting. $\endgroup$
    – glenatron
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 15:10
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    $\begingroup$ @glenatron That would be a good idea. It's always good to use a workaround to enhance (part of) the story, rather than have it only be an awkward workaround. This creates a richer and more defined world. $\endgroup$
    – Plutian
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 15:15
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    $\begingroup$ As an example, in China, students address their teachers with the title "Teacher" (老师) rather than Mr, Ms, etc. This reflects the importance of respecting teachers in Chinese culture $\endgroup$
    – T Hummus
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 20:21
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    $\begingroup$ It's less caring about gender and more caring about social status. Men either had social status in their own right, or through their family. Women got it through their husband (hence taking the husband's surname or even the phrasing "Mrs. John Doe".) Unmarried women's standing stemmed from the family connections a marriage to them would bring. Different titles reflect the different role of the surname in granting status. Nobility & clergy have their own titles to reflect their special place in the social hierarchy. $\endgroup$
    – R.M.
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 21:01
  • $\begingroup$ What about when you don't know the person? "CEO John" is fine if you know John's name and that he is a CEO, but if some guy is in your way getting off the bus "excuse me sir" conveys a totally uninformed title of respect. $\endgroup$
    – Nosajimiki
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 15:21
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Outside of English, most of Japanese honorifics are not gender based: -san, -sama, -sensei, -senpai are used irrespectively of the gender of the person to which they are applied.

In your case -san would convey the formal meaning of Mr/Ms without implications on the gender of the addressed person, and the other honorifics convey the other implications you listed.

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  • $\begingroup$ Was gonna say this. And 'senpai' could be argued to be an English word at this stage (a loan-word). I bet it's appeared in at least one English dictionary. $\endgroup$
    – wokopa
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 12:23
  • $\begingroup$ What would be the closest English analogues? $\endgroup$
    – glenatron
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 15:05
  • $\begingroup$ @glenatron See this link: tidbits-japan.com/why-do-japanese-say-san-honorific $\endgroup$
    – Tim
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 17:53
  • $\begingroup$ See also the Hindi (et al) -ji, Tibetan -la, etc. $\endgroup$
    – R.. GitHub STOP HELPING ICE
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 13:21
  • $\begingroup$ So, the problem with this statement is that, in Japanese, the entire language emphasizes gender and age of majority by having specific pronouns instead of honorifics. $\endgroup$
    – Robert Rapplean
    Commented Feb 13, 2023 at 18:52
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How about Soviet-style "comrade"? Or alternatively, you could use word "citizen".

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    $\begingroup$ I wondered about this - I know in revolutionary France Citizen was the preferred term - and I like the egalitarian sense of these words but they carry a lot of social baggage for a modern reader because of that. The closest I had got so far was to contract "Citizen" down to just 'zen but I figured people here might be able to do better! $\endgroup$
    – glenatron
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 15:07
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    $\begingroup$ @glenatron: On the other hand, the French citizen and the Russian comrade only appear genderless only because English is an almost genderless language. In reality, you can easily tell who was the groom and who was the bride at the marriage of citoyen Bernadotte and citoyenne Clary. And while Russian tovarishch is/was indeed used for both sexes, the revelation of the sex was only passed on to the family name, because feminine family names are easily recognized -- for example, the wife of comrade Kalinin (Head of State of the Soviet Union 1938-1946, did you know?) was comrade Kalinina. $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 18:57
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    $\begingroup$ @AlexP not all family names in Russia are gendered. Klimenko, Abramovich: those names are not unusual, and they do not change depending on gender. $\endgroup$
    – Revolver_Ocelot
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 21:57
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    $\begingroup$ @Revolver_Ocelot: Yes, you are right that one can occasionally, not often, encounter a Russian family name which is not gendered. But the examples could be better. Klimenko is not a native Russian family name; it's Ukrainian. And Abramovich as a family name is quite obviously Jewish; natively Russian it is far more common as a patronymic than a family name, in which case the feminine form is Abramovna. $\endgroup$
    – AlexP
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 22:07
  • $\begingroup$ Is "citizen" used in the third person or only as a form of address?" "Good morning citizen" is natural but what about A: "I was talking to John this morning", B: "What did citizen say?" $\endgroup$
    – chasly - supports Monica
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 22:26
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In a particular work of fiction by author Nathan Lowell, Officers aboard merchant interstellar cargo ships and such are addressed as "Sar", regardless of gender. What gets interesting and relevant to your question is the in universe explanation for the use of that term. The Official line on the term is that the governing body on trade wanted a single, gender neutral honorific that is easily recognizable by those in service and easy to spot by civilians. "Sar" is similar enough to the term "Sir" that it should be easy to spot as an honorific, while it is not exactly the same so it could be considered gender neutral.

The strongly suggested alternative to this explanation is that the original author of the manual messed up and typed "Sir" and "Sar" interchangably and for the first couple of editions it wasn't caught. The term "Sar" caught on and and they needed an excuse for this in the next edition and so made up the above story to make it all look intentional.

This to me sounds like something that actually could happen in the real world. It also kind of follows how languages appear to change over time.

The key takeaway may be to choose an honorific that already sounds similar to one that is currently in use. That will aid the long term acceptance of the term. The word Sar is an example because it sounds like how someone might say Sir on Talk like a Pirate day.

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    $\begingroup$ Similarly, morrowind had sera as a gender neutral honorific, and it worked pretty well, with similarly "slightly odd but easily recognisable" tones $\endgroup$
    – lupe
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 21:19
  • $\begingroup$ Sounds very similar to "sirrah". I wonder if it went through a similar evolution. That would actually be a very interesting evolution; originally sirrah was a term for an inferior, but due to its lost usage and relation to "sir", I now often see it used as a replacement/dialectical version of "sir" and used for respect, almost like how "you" and "thou" have flipped formality implications in the modern day. $\endgroup$
    – Aos Sidhe
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 14:53
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The neatest solution might be to use nothing.

In one of the Sherlock Holmes stories, Sherlock insists that Professor Moriarty refers to him as "Mister Holmes" and not just as "Holmes". This would have been correct when I was young, but sounds archaic these days. The use of just the surname may sound a bit abrupt, but calling him "Sherlock" would be too familiar then. We might use first name + surname or initials + surname for an introduction. We might retain honorifics such as 'Professor' and 'Doctor' and so on, but I think 'Mister' could go, and take all the others with it.

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    $\begingroup$ Note that then (19th century) it was common to address one's (close) acquaintances by the surname, not by the first name. Thus Holmes refers to his friend as "Watson" (not "James") and Watson always refers to his friend as "Holmes" (not "Sherlock"). $\endgroup$
    – printf
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 2:36
  • $\begingroup$ @printf Everyone in House (and some other medical shows) uses surnames as standard address, even when the characters are close friends. It seems to be fairly common in some professional circles. $\endgroup$
    – Corey
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 10:08
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    $\begingroup$ I can remember some people thinking using first names at work was 'too familiar' in the early 1980's. I don't know what the original person wants. If they just want to slip this into a book without drawing attention to it, dropping all ordinary titles would slip under most people's radar. If they want to use 'Citizen' or 'San' (both good solutions) then this is an obvious feature. $\endgroup$
    – Richard Kirk
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 10:18
  • $\begingroup$ In a similar vein, they could replace 'he' and 'she' with 'they' throughout. $\endgroup$
    – Richard Kirk
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 10:20
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    $\begingroup$ The real-world connotations of this historical use of plain-surnames in the UK are quite subtle. E.g. when I was a small child in the 80’s, my grandfather called my grandparents’ gardener “Keble”, but I was sternly taught to call him “Mr Keble”. (I don’t remember what my parents called him.) The bare surname could connote familiarity and friendship, but also downward social rank, and so sometimes disrespect; including the honorific could connote respect and admiration, but also distance and even coldness. $\endgroup$
    – Peter LeFanu Lumsdaine
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 13:13
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Extending on another answer's citizen or comrade, consider other group memberships.

To emphasize membership in the polity one of these might serve: voter, constituent, and then the highest office the person had held. Possibly junior voter for children not yet eligible to vote.

If there was a theological aspect to the government they might use various indicators of membership in the church and level in it: recruit, follower, neophyte, disciple, congregant, elder, deacon, then rank in the clergy. Possibly "the faithful" as a group noun. Or "the congregation" or "the choir."

If the government is particularly militaristic then military ranks might be used. Possibly mixing between army, navy, and air force: soldier, sailor, recruit, private, cadet, officer, pilot, leader, then actual rank for serving military.

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  • $\begingroup$ And if there is some kind of caste society, then you could use name of a member of said caste too! Like, "Dear beta Alex", in the beginning of a letter in a society like "Brave New World". And if you wanted to address a member of Alpha caste, then "Dear alpha Alex" $\endgroup$
    – KarmaPeasant
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 18:05
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Relegate sir and ma'am to societal roles instead of gender roles

Throughout most of history Sir was a title of respect appropriate of anyone who held a position of authority, not just men. If you were one of those rare female military officers, doctors, lawyers, etc. it was very common for people to call you sir because ma'am, lady, etc were not just gender designations, but came with them the idea of being in a domestic capacity. In fact, many US female officers today will tell you that they are called Sir at least as often as Ma'am.

Why choose "Sir" and not something more gender neutral? Because your world literally "cares less" about gender than we do. The best way to show that a civilization cares less about gender is not to find gender neutral terms because that takes consideration. It is to use terms more fluidly. If sir conveys the idea that I respect you as a person of authority, then that's all that matters. Call a man sir, call a woman sir, in your world no one should care. The inverse should also be true. If a man brings his kids to the swing set, have someone call him ma'am to show respect for how domestic he is being.

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    $\begingroup$ I like the idea of relegating titles to societal roles and the evolution of them as you've described seems natural; I would believe it in a story. I worry, though, that some people might see it as the opposite: that gender roles have been even more deeply entrenched in the culture, so even if a woman is called "sir", it's not respect, but because she's "acting like a man". Maybe instead it's less role and more relationship? "Sir" becomes anyone with direct authority over you, while "ma'am" is respect to someone that doesn't have authority? Your boss is "sir", the customer is "ma'am", etc. $\endgroup$
    – Aos Sidhe
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 23:26
  • $\begingroup$ @AosSidhe Ofcourse people will misunderstand/get offended, because many people today care about gender roles, but this is also what makes fiction so important. In Star Trek the Next Generation, Gene Rodenberry got a lot of flack for making a black man the chief of engineering. To this he replied "of course no one can accept it today, but in 300 years it should be fine"... and while some people were offended it also helped a whole new generation of now adults grow up with a normalized model of a good and respected black man in a position of power so that it did not have to take 300 years $\endgroup$
    – Nosajimiki
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 14:18
  • $\begingroup$ That said, I also like your idea about "sir" and "ma'am" conferring levels of authority. It does not matter so much I think where you draw the line as long as the line clearly is not impacted by gender. $\endgroup$
    – Nosajimiki
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 14:20
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How about words such as "respected" or "esteemed" or such? (Or "worthy", or "highly-regarded", etc. ...) A person may be politely addressed as "Respected such-and such" or "Esteemed such-and-such" without any gender connotations. You may, for example, imagine phrasing a letter in this way:

"Highly Respected Xambru-Zuclozar, I write to you regarding the following matter ... blah blah blah .... Respectfully yours, XXX."

From this, we know nothing about Xambru-Zuclozar's gender – they may be male, female, both, neither, third gender, fourth gender, something else altogether. It does not matter (we do, however, know that their society has a high regard of respectability).

If the society depicted has any notion of "nobility" or "gentility", then addressing someone as "noble such-and-such" or "gentle such-and-such" may be a polite but similarly gender-free form of address.

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What's the most important thing I should know about you that isn't immediately obvious?

Back when Mr., Mrs., and Ms. came into usage, the most important thing you could know about a person was their sex. This identified numerous things.

  • Was this person eligible to vote/rule/own?
  • Was this person a prize to be competed for?
  • How much did you need to worry about this person's opinion?

This sounds crass from our perspective, but it was an important tool to maintain the striations of society, especially where we didn't usually have pictures to go from.

This is especially notable because, when a person exceeded a certain level of professional accomplishment, we stopped using Mr/Mrs. They just became doctor or president. We did differentiate between kings and queens, but that was necessary to identify lines of succession and availability for strategic marriages.

If you are discarding breeding opportunities as a point of differentiation, you still have accomplishment-based honorifics. Most people couldn't care less what kind of social nothing you are if you get below accomplishment-based or role-based honorifics. You could apply "citizen," for instance, or something to indicate that a person hasn't reached their majority, or maybe a differentiation between white and blue collar work.

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    $\begingroup$ Your second point is false, assuming you intend it to refer to women. "Mister" came from "Master", which was "young unmarried man". The variants for women came from "Mistress" which meant "lady of the house", especially one who had servants. It didn't differentiate between married and unmarried, so, considering it as meaning "a prize to be competed for" could result in the husband of said "prize" running a sword through your gut. "Mrs", "Ms" and "Miss" were all abbreviations and didn't start differentiating between types of women until the 1600s. $\endgroup$
    – Keith Morrison
    Commented Feb 9, 2023 at 23:06
  • $\begingroup$ @KeithMorrison, I'm not sure your statement actually contradicts mine, but no, my statement wasn't limited to women. Indeed, people killed each other over mating opportunities at least as far back as recorded history, and marital status was rarely a hindrance. $\endgroup$
    – Robert Rapplean
    Commented Feb 10, 2023 at 0:32
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Use a professional designation, if applicable, as is already done today. Doctor, senator, captain, colonel, professor, duke (if applicable), judge, nurse, specialist, counselor, instructor, whatever. This will take care of many situations.

Since you want this in English, take advantage of the fact that modern English tends not to make as many distinctions with honorifics, and leverage the fact that in many places today what would be considered informality even in formal settings is common. If familiar, use the given name. If you want to keep formality or distance, use the family name.

This will handle peer-to-peer and superior-to-subordinate situations. The problem is going to be subordinate-to-superior, such as students addressing a teacher, or when you want to be formal without using the person's position or job. The easiest in such a situation might be to also use the family name to indicate distance or respect. Or, perhaps an adaptation from something like Russian. "Andrea" and "Bruce" are classmates. "Smith" is the how the students refer to the school secretary. "Richard Andrew" (last name Jackson) is now they refer to their teacher when not using "Instructor Jackson", using multiple given names in a variation of the Russian use of given name and patronymic.

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If its your world, You can make your own.*

But if you wanted to borrow (I only know east asian ones so bear with me)

Non gendered ones, japanese has them in spades: san, kun, senpai, sama, etc.

iirc Korean has an equivalent to senpai that is sunbae. (iirc again I think the antonym to that was hoobae?) I'm not well versed at all.

Chinese's 先生 (xian sheng) lit.: "Born before" gives elders or adults more respect by acknowledging that they were born first but it does have a strong male bias in the culture despite not really technically holding any gender explicitly. Depending on position within a organization body parts can be used: 头（tou) Lit.: head for leader, 左/右手 (zuo/you shou) left/right hand for deputy or vice positions(interchangeably) , 腿 (tui) Lit.: leg for bottom workers i.e. "leg work/worker". Notably though referring to someone as someone's sword 剑 (jian) means that you hold a special position like an ace that usually means that the head uses the person to do decisive and intense actions, like a fixer or a powerhouse. "Ace in the hole" as it were. Still there's a lot of gendered titles in chinese so this is the best I can muster with my ABC POV level of understanding chinese.

*In a fantasy world I've scrapped, people were referred to by their family seal and line in succession. Default for those who did not know each other they'd say "seal of the earth, first child" (First earth for short) to give people the best standing, and given that all are children of the earth. My self insert character was Seventh Horse, Ashralien (Seal of the horse, Seventh child, Name Ashralien) There were positional seals too that related to office or job so in professional life, the emperor would always be seal of the dragon officially but they could be seal of the lily originally as a person. Defense minister was always seal of the staff, as the staff was the grandfather of all weapons, etc.

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In addition to the other suggestions, I suggest you pick a honorific you like, and then add a little bit of linguistic spice.

Mister comes from master. Sir comes from sire, and ultimately from the Old French word for "lord". The French monsieur derives from mon sieur, meaning "my lord". The German Herr is related to a word meaning noble, venerable. It's rather common for such honorifics to come from a nobility title, and undergo strong deformation over time.

Assuming your Utopia is somewhat old, I suggest you add some artificial deformation to the title you choose. That way you'll end up with a unique sounding, new word that in your universe means nothing else than a genderless "Mr" or "Ms".

Since your society is based on equality, the initial title you pick could reflect that, with a word like citizen, comrade, peer or something that vein. Tough it can be seen as a little factual, you could also go something "compliment-based", like honorable, esteemed, venerable, etc., showing that you respect the other person rather than referring to their status, in an egalitarian society where status isn't as meaningful as in a feudal one. I could see a honorific initially only used in formal settings, before introducing someone in court for example, that is gradually shortened and used in more casual settings.

To give an example, "Esteemed citizen X" could be gradually shortened to "Ezten X".

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Mx (usually pronounced "max", "mix", "mux" or "mixter") would be the most direct gender-neutral replacement for Mr/Mrs/Ms in our world. This is recognised and used in various official capacities in the UK, but remains uncommon in the US.

But this tends to be used in written contexts, instead of in speech.

Although Mx was derived from Mr/Mrs/Ms, rather than the other way around. English would've evolved differently (in some society-dependent way we cannot know) in a society where gender is not an important differentiating characteristic, and that might have resulted in the accepted form of address being Mx, or anything else.

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Can I suggest Ancillary Justice, by Ann Leckie. In the default language they have no gender pronouns or possibly concept of gender at all in the language. So the first person narration of the lead character refers to everyone using female pronouns.

Gender is occasionally established when the lead character needs to address someone in a different language.

It works really well, although I did find myself internally assigning gender to most of the characters even if it hadn't been confirmed.

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