"My wife refuses to stay with my parents in the same house"

Query: My wife doesn't want to live with my parents and so we live separately. But I don't want my parents to live in our old, tiny house. My wife shouts and behaves badly whenever my parents are not there and she back-bites all the time. But when my parents are there, she behaves like the perfect daughter-in-law. How can I ask my wife to be more understanding?
Response by Omika Obhrai: India has been a traditional society, but over the years the western cultures have been adapted in more ways than one, nuclear family setups being one.Despite wide acceptance, challenges like stigma and taboo came with it and were highly criticised in the previous decade. Today the norms of living separately have not just been widely accepted and well perceived, but also have also been encouraged to maintain the peace and harmony of familial relationships. However, we are still in the transition phase. The current challenges can be very well understood in the query mentioned above.
A struggle of a man torn between his responsibilities towards his parents and wife is complicated but not unheard of. In a situation like this, he must evaluate his emotions along with reason and plan the process. Communication is.
The first step would be to build on the husband-wife relationship. The shouting and backbiting is an issue that needs primary attention and needs to be resolved. These behaviours are indicative of underlying conflicts which will continue to brew unless addressed and eventually will have a negative outcome.
The man needs to openly discuss the idea of having his parents live with him and his wife. He needs to walk her through the process of living with his aged parents, and the added responsibilities that both of them would need to shoulder. He also needs to allow his wife to express her issues pertaining to the idea of living with his parents. Understanding her issues and areas of concern and accordingly finding a solution to them is essential. Try to gauge if there is a certain specific area of resentment which might be the driving factor for this resistance towards your parents.
Additionally, it is always a good idea to understand the other party’s expectations as well. He should perhaps talk to his parents and know more about how they feel and what their concerns might be. He should help them be a part of the household. It is important for them to be assured of respect and regard as much as it is for them to know the roles and responsibilities of the man and his wife.
A family is a unit, and each member has a role to play and contribute. It becomes healthier and happier only when we trust each other to perform our duties well. A family embodies the spirit of togetherness.
Omika Obhrai, Clinical Psychologist, Hope Care India
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