"My sister is jealous of me and my brother-in-law's bond"

Query: My sister thinks I will steal her husband. It all started as a friendship and today I confide in my brother in law more than my sister. We almost spend every occasion together and I can see my sister has started taunting us and she also tries to cancel plans. I don't want to lose my sister and also my bestfriend (My bro in law). What can I do to make my sister trust me?
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us.I completely understand how difficult this whole situation may be for you. Your fear of losing connection with a loved one can’t be discarded, however, it is important you realise that your sister is feeling insecure and needs some comforting at this point in time. While her approach may be upsetting for you, her intention is perhaps the same as yours, that is, to safeguard both her relationships.

From what you shared, I understand that you don’t want to lose either of them. To begin with, do what you can, to help your sister feel more comfortable with both her relationships. Make sure she knows you love her and that you care about her.
Have you been spending enough time with your sister? Have you witnessed any changes in her behaviour? Have you tried talking to her about her feelings? How is her relationship with her husband, in general? Is there something bothering her?
Try connecting deeply with your sister, have meaningful conversations and share some activities with her (sometimes, even without your brother-in-law). In case, there is a point that needs discussion, have a clear heart-to-heart talk without any bias or judgment and allow her to explain her point, as well. She just requires comfort and reassurance. Making her feel included and less jealous would depend on some efforts from your end as well. Her feelings are valid and it’s important for you to be supportive and understanding at this time. It can be difficult when a loved one becomes close with someone else, especially with another family member (spouse, in this case). Even when you all are in a gathering together, make sure she feels that she is still an important part of the friendship.
Often, our assumptions and hypotheses lead to a downward spiral of thoughts and then even our well-wishers seem distant. It’s important you don’t let your sister feel left out. If she is cancelling plans, encourage her to join in activities she enjoys and spend time with her whenever you can. This will strengthen your relationship and make both of you happier. Also, ask your brother-in-law if he has any suggestions on how to make your sister feel more included.
Also, process your own emotions and be aware of your reactions/behaviour around them. Our relationships with other people always involve different levels of closeness and intimacy. Perhaps, seeing you favour your brother-in-law or confiding in him, is getting your sister to feel envious; this is natural. It is important you and your brother-in-law work towards making your sister feel better as the lack of catharsis creates havoc in relationships.
Showing maturity, having authentic communication and exhibiting compassion can be really supportive for all you, currently. When your sister taunts you, don’t snap back at her. Try to get her to see that there’s nothing to worry about and that her relationship with her husband is not threatened in any way by your friendship with him and vice versa. Trust takes time to be built so allow her that. Work towards building a strong foundation through the right words, actions and behaviours. For a while, distance yourself from your brother-in-law, if need be; know that healthy boundaries are good for every relationship. We often fear distance and space, thinking it would dissolve a relationship, however, giving space and maintaining boundaries actually help a relationship to thrive.
Take care of yourself in the process. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by thoughts, write down your feelings in a journal in order to process them better. Build your relationship with your sister first. Approach the situation with compassion and gratitude instead of being defensive. Create healthy boundaries with both of them and nurture your relationship with your sister. Ask your brother-in-law to support you in this.
Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your sister are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, hurt and confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!
For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.
Stay Blessed!
Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director - Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.
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