I stand corrected--it seems like perhaps the UEFI not showing a menu was due to a bug where the bios menu is inaccessible when fast boot fails. It wasn't, as I initially suspected, due to the UEFI having executables in the boot sector, which doesn't make a lot of sense in the first place.

I took apart the laptop and reset the CMOS, as some comments suggested, but I also took out the M.2 NVME entirely and booted just to see what would happen. And it does indeed show me an error message after it checks the media. Now, apparently, I can press F2/F12 as normal.

Thanks to all those who commented.

Edit: To all those who visit this looking for a solution--unplugging the NVME does work, but if you shut down and plug it back in, it will resume it's previous behavior (of freezing at the dell screen). This particular laptop also does not seem to have a CMOS battery, and Dell does not seem to have proper documentation on how to properly reset the CMOS. I did reset the UEFI via firmware settings with the NVME unplugged, but it still had the same issue. I also couldn't insert the NVME live in the laptop when it was booted. So I ended up doing the solution I mentioned initially in the question and used my desktop to recover the partition.

I stand corrected--it seems like perhaps the UEFI not showing a menu was due to a bug where the bios menu is inaccessible when fast boot fails. It wasn't, as I initially suspected, due to the UEFI having executables in the boot sector, which doesn't make a lot of sense in the first place.

I took apart the laptop and reset the CMOS, as some comments suggested, but I also took out the M.2 NVME entirely and booted just to see what would happen. And it does indeed show me an error message after it checks the media. Now, apparently, I can press F2/F12 as normal.

Thanks to all those who commented.

Edit: To all those who visit this looking for a solution--unplugging the NVME does work, but if you shut down and plug it back in, it will resume it's previous behavior (of freezing at the dell screen). This particular laptop also does not seem to have a CMOS battery, and Dell does not seem to have proper documentation on how to properly reset the CMOS. I did reset the UEFI via firmware settings with the NVME unplugged, but it still had the same issue. I also couldn't insert the NVME live in the laptop when it was booted. So I ended up doing the solution I mentioned initially in the question and used my desktop to recover the partition.

Another edit (2 months in the future): After I wiped the NVME, I then decided to just install windows again, completely vanilla, as a simple measure. Two months later, THE SAME ISSUE HAS HAPPENED. This time, I was not fooling around with it at all, the issue just happened naturally. I think this may have been because I never shut down my computer, and it ran into a weird perpetual-sleep glitch or something, but WHEN I SHUT IT DOWN, THE FAST BOOT (or whatever) BOOTS IT UP TO A BLACK SCREEN AGAIN (no EFI menus, no boot, no access). This is the stupidest issue I have ever encountered with a computer! Now I have to open up my desktop AGAIN and, I suppose, nuke the EFI partition so that I can install Arch (you bet I'm not running Windows anymore).

I'll just ask the community: Does anyone know of a BIOS version that me or others (I've seen similar weird sleep/boot issues with other Dell G15 laptops, namely this one, this one, these, and this poor person) can use to not have issues related to the computer not powering on? Or is this just a feature integral to Windows and all compatible BIOSes? Thanks.

I stand corrected--it seems like perhaps the UEFI not showing a menu was due to a bug where the bios menu is inaccessible when fast boot fails. It wasn't, as I initially suspected, due to the UEFI having executables in the boot sector, which doesn't make a lot of sense in the first place.

I took apart the laptop and reset the CMOS, as some comments suggested, but I also took out the M.2 NVME entirely and booted just to see what would happen. And it does indeed show me an error message after it checks the media. Now, apparently, I can press F2/F12 as normal.

Thanks to all those who commented.

I stand corrected--it seems like perhaps the UEFI not showing a menu was due to a bug where the bios menu is inaccessible when fast boot fails. It wasn't, as I initially suspected, due to the UEFI having executables in the boot sector, which doesn't make a lot of sense in the first place.

I took apart the laptop and reset the CMOS, as some comments suggested, but I also took out the M.2 NVME entirely and booted just to see what would happen. And it does indeed show me an error message after it checks the media. Now, apparently, I can press F2/F12 as normal.

Thanks to all those who commented.

Edit: To all those who visit this looking for a solution--unplugging the NVME does work, but if you shut down and plug it back in, it will resume it's previous behavior (of freezing at the dell screen). This particular laptop also does not seem to have a CMOS battery, and Dell does not seem to have proper documentation on how to properly reset the CMOS. I did reset the UEFI via firmware settings with the NVME unplugged, but it still had the same issue. I also couldn't insert the NVME live in the laptop when it was booted. So I ended up doing the solution I mentioned initially in the question and used my desktop to recover the partition.