Have you ever seen a kitchen gadget wondered, "Why is this so horny?"
You are not alone, our gutter-minded friend.
Sometimes, these items can't help but be shaped the way they are. Citrus reamers need to be tapered and immersion blenders need to spin like a vibrator to mash up food. We're not sure why a microwave cleaner needs to look like it's sold at Spencer's in the mall, but alright.
Either way, Amazon has too many of these items for sale that we just couldn't ignore it anymore. You may get a weird look from strangers when you bust out one of these in public, but you can assure any onlooker that you're not actually shopping for a butt plug in public — it's just a strawberry stem remover that looks like a butt plug.
(Note: Please don't actually use any of these as sex toys. Because sharp things.)
A strawberry stem remover that's just a spiky butt plug
Spiky Butt Plug will be the thing that keeps you up at night. Despite it actually being red and green like a real strawberry, it really just looks like an anal accessory for someone who likes daiquiris.
A citrus reamer that could be used in.... multiple ways
Is it an extra-pointy vibrator? Is it an XL butt plug? Neither! It's a citrus reamer that is used to remove seeds from stubborn fruits like oranges and pomegranates. The whole "double headed" design makes it look extra pleasurable.
A corn stripper that looks like a (painful) cock ring
Perhaps the promotional photos are what do this product dirty, but it's hard to unsee. The main difference here is that cock rings are meant to evoke pleasure while this corn stripper has stainless steel blades around the inside. Do not get them mixed up.
Rubber finger guards that look a little too stimulating
Chopping, clipping coupons, or supergluing that pair of broken glasses will go much more smoothly when you're not worried about nipping your fingers. Unfortunately, the rubber material and tiny spikes make these finger guards look like a foreplay toy from hell.
An immersion blender that looks just like a wand vibrator
You know those massage wands that are advertised as spinning shoulder massagers, but everyone knows they're really vibrators? They did not need to make this immersion blender look like that. The vague listing is also spot-on: "Ergonomic grip for easy handling" and "extra-long 5-foot cord" could easily be about blending food or solo play.
Meat-shredding claws that would definitely leave scratch marks
Okay, these look a little intense to be sex toys. But then again, there are a lot of pleasurable toys that look painful upon first glance, and some people are into having their back clawed up.
An egg yolk extractor that is about to perform oral sex
Sex toys have seen some major modernization over the past few years. Oral sex simulators are round-ish toys with holes at the end to send air and suction to the clit. This egg yolk separator wishes it could be that cool. (For reference on these toys, go here.)
A Salt Pod that's also about to perform oral sex (but bigger)
If you never knew that salt grinders could look like this, you'd have thought it was just an extra large clit stimulator for heightened arousal.
A dual-sided spatula that honestly looks useless in the kitchen
No one has ever asked for a spatula with an ice cream scoop on the other end, which is probably why this dual-sided tool just looks like a slender, purple dildo.
A Karate Lettuce Chopper that's very into BDSM
Most people buy this lettuce chopper as a gag gift for someone who's into karate. However, if your mind is in the gutter, this chopper looks like it's straight out of a porno where someone seduces and spanks the chef.
Reusable food wraps that could pass as anal beads
The neon colors? The variable sizes? The only way you'd know that these rubber reusable food wraps weren't supposed to go in a butt is because they're not attached to each other.
A bag sealer that resembles a portable USB vibrator
The ability to re-seal a chip bag without using a clip is actually hella convenient. This device just happens to fit in your hand just like a mini vibrator would and has a button that looks like it controls intensity settings. Go awf.
A kitchen dusters that looks perfect for role play
How these comically fluffy dusters are taken seriously is one of the world's greatest mysteries. Throw a rainbow one in a leather bag with a pair of handcuffs and a gag, and you've got yourself a bondage kit.
Scrubbing gloves that look like penis-masturbating gloves
Why that finger position? Why? Spiky rubber gloves that are meant to masturbate penises actually do exist, but they're typically scarier-looking than this.
A microwave-cleaning volcano that looks like it just climaxed
Ah, the grande finale. This volcano, which would look much less horny if the lava was lava-colored, makes cleaning the inside of the microwave fun by spouting cleaning solution.
Is it hot in here?
