Timeline for How to negotiate such toxic competitiveness during my master’s studies?
Current License: CC BY-SA 4.0
17 events
| when toggle format | what | by | license | comment | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Jun 11 at 13:46 | comment | added | Bryan Krause♦ | @Wouter It's fine to hold yourself to high standards, the problem comes with holding others to that standard and labeling them "toxic" when they don't do things that you've unilaterally decided they are responsible for. | |
| Jun 11 at 5:51 | comment | added | Wouter | @Servaes I think that's a bit too far. The OP simply likes to holds himself to high standards and can is confronted with the reality of an imperfect world that has no interest in doing the same. When I was studying, we largely had a mentality of being in there together, as a team and I'm very glad for that. | |
| Jun 11 at 4:48 | comment | added | Servaes | Re: "If someone is struggling with a topic and asks for help, saying no despite understanding it is too self-centered." On the contrary; expecting fellow students to help you out of pure courtesy is too self-centered. Your question and such comments do indeed read like it is you who is the 'toxic' one in this dynamic. | |
| Jun 10 at 22:17 | comment | added | Captain Emacs | @Stian Not necessarily. Group dynamics can be nasty. OP might be a very sensitive person, and overly reactive to less sensitive and probably more driven characters. It may be a misunderstanding or they may actively bully OP. Or they consider OP as too strongly attached and do not want to encourage that. We do not know enough. For what I have seen until now, I would probably give OP the benefit of the doubt; but they need to distance themselves from the situation and try to see it as an uninvolved observer if they want to improve it. | |
| Jun 10 at 17:59 | comment | added | toby544 | @Stian If someone in a group is being bullied, do you tell the person who is being bullied that it is their fault? We don't know these people and we need to be considerate and moderate. | |
| Jun 10 at 15:42 | comment | added | Stian | I would go so far as to say when 4 people are avoiding YOU then you are the toxic one. Always interpreting misfortune as some other person's fault or malice is a telltale sign of a narcissist. | |
| Jun 10 at 14:10 | comment | added | Bryan Krause♦ | @user_009 My assumption would be that someone who lies when asked for help is doing so because they want to avoid an argument about it. It seems that they were likely right to expect an argument if your view is that living together comes with an implied promise/obligation of help with coursework. | |
| Jun 10 at 13:28 | comment | added | Captain Emacs | @user_009 Maybe you are used to a warm, very cosy atmosphere. Not all surroundings are, and between full-on toxicity and cozy familiarity, there is a spectrum. Your situation may be on the cold side, but not yet on full toxicity. Extricate yourself, and your former "fellow students" may not feel they have to actively distance themselves from you. Worry about their machinations after they happen, not before. Sometimes one projects what one fears, causing it to happen in the first place ("self-fulfilling prophesy"). Just treat them as near-strangers in a coffee shop. Courteous but distant. | |
| Jun 10 at 13:15 | comment | added | user_009 | Not all of them are toxic. I avoided only two of them but didn't want to make enemies. However, it feels like they are treating me as one. | |
| Jun 10 at 13:15 | comment | added | user_009 | They didn’t have to inform me, and neither did I. I didn’t question why they didn’t tell me, but they did ask why I joined at the last moment. You overextended it. I didn't mean helping with assignments. Living together requires some courtesy. If someone is struggling with a topic and asks for help, saying no despite understanding it is too self-centered. At least honestly say, "I understand, but I can't help right now because I have other tasks." This would have prevented unnecessary toxicity. | |
| Jun 10 at 8:54 | comment | added | toby544 | This answer would be better if it was gentler and a more charitable interpretation was given to what OP wrote. Probably half the points are to do with OP's non-native / non-standard English, or cultural differences. | |
| Jun 10 at 5:59 | comment | added | user170044 | I agree. It is much more "kind" to posses a detached, indifferent temperament. Projected "nice-ness" from my side, has been only miscommunicated so far. Have a good day. | |
| Jun 10 at 5:40 | comment | added | cag51♦ | I would suggest that you not extrapolate so much beyond what I wrote. There are certainly situations where I would respond with kindness or anger, but on the internet, I've found it's best to be detached and professional and to focus on next steps rather than assigning blame. In this case, OP is convinced that their labmates have formed a conspiracy against them. I do not believe it would be kind to allow such an extreme assumption to pass unchallenged, though note that I also acknowledged the possibility that the assumption is correct. In any case: I have no more to add, good luck. | |
| Jun 10 at 5:09 | comment | added | user170044 | On the contrary, you are what you preach. It was not smack but a real advice. Excuse me, it is that life has toughened you. You are completely detached and professional. Whether this personality was inherent or cultivated from negative experiences? You neither expect nor deliver any kindness and sympathy. If it is so, I assure you, many people don't share a stoic disposition. I must concede that OP is suffering from "me vs them" syndrome. Politics is a basic survival necessity today. | |
| Jun 10 at 4:51 | comment | added | cag51♦ | On the contrary, I gave two different interpretations and gave advice for each. | |
| Jun 10 at 3:52 | comment | added | user170044 | I whole heartedly disagree with you. You gave no proper advice, just smack and insinuated OP to "suffer through". Interestingly, you seems to have not been in toxic work culture. You are blaming the victim here. We have to deliver OP the benefit of doubt and cannot assume their situation. Grievance redressal should be an academic matter. | |
| Jun 9 at 23:26 | history | answered | cag51♦ | CC BY-SA 4.0 |