Mothers and daughters fight— but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world

"Just wait until the teen years," a woman at a cafe recently said to me about my daughters, ages 3 and 6, in a serious, foreboding tone. Just minutes prior, she’d remarked how cute the girls were while they played happily nearby throughout our conversation. Her comment had interrupted a moment of happiness with a nebulous dread of the future.

Sadly, this isn’t an anomaly. Moms hear comments like this from family, friends, or even strangers in the supermarket. Media is filled with teenage girls slamming doors and moms shouting, such as in trope-y movies like Freaky Friday, Lady Bird, and Mean Girls, so this cultural narrative isn’t surprising.

But it did make me wonder: Is a mother-daughter blowout an inevitable rite of passage? If not, what can a mom do to weather inevitable conflict and maintain the close parent-child relationship she wants?

There’s a normal tension that happens as our children grow, says Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist based in Floridaand a mother to four daughters. “They have to become individuals. And there’s a pulling away.”

Adolescence is often the first stage in the mother-daughter relationship where struggles arise. This tension is often ascribed to and dismissed as being driven by hormones. “It’s important to understand the developmental aspects that our girls are going through,” says Taylor, but experts also suggest that hormonal changes aren’t the sole culprit. What’s going on in a mother’s life is another factor in the dynamic. “Whatever crises we may have or stressors we have in our lives, we have to be aware of how that impacts how we relate to them,” says Taylor.

Rosjke Hasseldine, a mother-daughter therapist and author based in New Hampshire, says there are five or six flashpoints in a daughter’s life, such as when she moves out of the house or when she has a baby, during which tension is likely to arise.

That first flashpoint arises during adolescence. “It’s seen as hormonal, but it’s not. It’s because at that point, I think, a lot of the societal expectations we place upon women within the family starts rearing its head,” says Hasseldine. If conflict arises and is left unresolved, it can create tension later on.

Hilary Mae, a mother-daughter therapist based in Philadelphia, says the tension between mother and daughter has to do with their changing roles and selves. “The daughter is needing different things from their mom. She wants to define and figure out who she is, sometimes not through the eyes of her mother,” she says. A daughter is bound to chafe at her mother’s words sometimes when she is becoming her own person, but that doesn’t make their relationship any less special.

It’s important for mothers to know that daughters need independence. To Brittney Scott, a mother-daughter coach and counselor based in Santa Barbara County, mother-daughter tension isn’t inevitable if mothers can understand their daughters’ point of view. “Moms sometimes view it as, well, this child doesn’t listen anymore,” says Scott. “Teenagers are looked at as rebellious, but what they’re doing is trying to figure out who they’re going to be in the world. They need space to be able to do that, but they also need the safety net of knowing that they can try things and mess up and they’re not going to be judged for it by their parents.”

Despite the friction that might arise, one thing is certain: This kinship holds great significance to both parties. The mother-daughter relationship can also be a foundation for all other relationships.

Studies show that connectedness between mother and daughter contributes to a daughter’s self-esteem, and that the mother-daughter relationship continues to be an important, intimate bond for women into adulthood. “Mothers and daughters need each other. We are wired for connection,” says Hasseldine.

When I learned that a blowout isn’t inevitable, I breathed a sigh of relief. But now what? If there is a cultural expectation of a fraught mother-daughter relationship, where does a mother who wants something different start? That’s a difficult question for many of us. “Most women don't know how to have a healthy mother-daughter relationship unless the mom has had one herself,” says Mae. “A lot of us need to learn how to have one.”

It’s important for mothers to take time to check in with themselves on a regular basis. Asking yourself “What do I need in my life?”can be a simple yet extremely difficult question to answer, but it’s a worthwhile one to ensure that the issues we face in our personal lives don’t bleed into our parental lives.

“I think it’s really about your own self-awareness as a person, realizing how you were parented, and realizing what’s going on in your life,” says Taylor. When a mother's needs aren’t met, she can end up expecting her daughter to meet those needs, and a rift can result. A mother not having her needs met and essentially feeling silenced within the family is often a generational experience, something that daughters learn from their moms and can pass on as a result. “If you think about it, [moms and daughters] are often fighting over who gets to be heard, who gets to be supported,” says Hasseldine.

In order to change this pattern of behavior, it’s important to understand the feelings and experiences of women within a family unit. “Without new knowledge, the brain will resort back to what it already knows, and that's what mom saw growing up,” says Scott. One way to create this awareness is a history mapping exercise Hasseldine includes in her book The Mother-Daughter Puzzle, which charts the emotional reality of women, primarily the daughter, mother, and grandmother, in the family. In addition to factual information about the family like ages and occupations, the daughter performing this exercise is also asked to respond to questions like how they voice their needs, the emotional struggles faced by women in the family, and the strengths of women in the family.

It’s also important to create a relationship in which daughters feel like they can talk openly. Fostering positive attachment and a relationship of trust and dependability can begin at an early age, says Khara Croswaite Brindle, a mental health therapist based in Denver and author of Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships. One way mothers can do that is by consistently being present. “Can you slow down? Can you put down the phone? Can you look them in the eye and say, ‘I’m here with you?’” says Brindle.

Emulate a potted plant, Scott suggests to parents. Your child knows you’re present, but listen more than you talk. During the teenage years, it’s important not to assume you know your daughter’s perspective. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes, but don’t jump to conclusions.

Moms often want to jump in, give advice, and solve problems, says Mae, which can feel judgmental and can push daughters away. “Sometimes we want to kind of slap a Band-Aid on a situation and fix it for them, but they really just want to talk and feel heard and express how they feel,” says Mae.

Listening may mean tolerating silence to hear what comes next. When your daughter says no one cares about her or even listens to her, fight the instinct to speak over her and listen. It can also mean hearing things that may hurt your feelings, but try to not take it personally. “Your daughters especially will have a way of letting you know exactly what they're thinking or sometimes can say things that will cut to the bone. You have to ask yourself if there could be any truth to what they're saying so that you learn not to react but to respond,” said Taylor.

“You are not my friend,” the 19-year-old daughter of Emily Dills, the Seattle founder of two nanny agencies, has said many times. Dills admits it hurts to hear that, but acknowledges that she sometimes strives too hard to be relatable. “She just wants me to be her mom. She relies on me to be mature, stable, reassuring, and sometimes to just mind my own business.”

Not stepping in also gives your daughter the space to learn how to make the right decision on her own. “Daughters really crave the confidence and trust from their mom that their mom believes they can handle new things and new situations,” says Mae.

Issues started to arise between Stuti Sharma, now 19 and a student at the University of British Columbia, and her mom when she was 12. The relationship improved after Sharma went to college and her mother changed some of her behavior, like providing space. “She would tell me she’s going to run some errands and I’m welcome to join, but wouldn’t pressure me to accompany her,” Sharma said. “She started making me believe that she is there for me, and it is completely okay whether or not I take her up on what she offers.”

Despite how uncertain mothering can feel, trust your instincts. Fighting with your daughter over phone time is, of course, very different from concerns over her physical safety. Debi G., who asked not to use her full name for privacy, says her daughter, now 40, changed overnight when she was 17, staying out all night, hanging out with friends who were bad influences, and getting into legal trouble. It wasn’t until over 10 years later that Debi discovered that her daughter was the victim of sexual assault at a party. Since she was a minor and drinking, she was afraid to tell anyone.

At the time, others advised Debi that it was a phase and her daughter needed tough love. “Deep inside me, I knew something was very wrong,” says Debi, who wishes she’d brought her daughter to counseling earlier. If you think your daughter is struggling or are concerned for her safety, don’t be afraid to step in and seek outside help.

Parenting isn’t easy, so give yourself grace. No one is perfect and moms can’t do it all. Seek out resources, support, and a community to help. “When mom doesn’t have the support that she needs to play every role that she’s trying to play, she’s going to pull that support from her daughter. And it’s not supposed to flow that way,” says Scott.

When a conflict arises, it’s important to understand that words can mean more than one thing. So it’s important for a mother to acknowledge that what she said might have meant something else to her daughter than what she intended, says Deborah Tannen, an author and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. A common example is that daughters often feel criticized by comments that moms view as just trying to help.

“When it comes to offering advice, it is criticism. If you weren’t doing something wrong, you wouldn’t need advice or suggestions or improvements. Just acknowledging that often makes it easier,” Tannen says. Tannen also suggests that mothers focus on positive comments and remember the weight that their words carry.

When you make a mistake, it’s okay to apologize. It’s important to acknowledge that you make mistakes too and that your daughter’s emotions matter. Brindle says that adult daughters look for acknowledgment of the issue, an apology, and action after moms have made a mistake.

When mothers don’t apologize, “We’re actually standing in our own way of repairing a relationship. Moms often think that if they acknowledge and apologize, it'll prove they’re a bad parent, when actually I think it proves the opposite,” says Brindle.

Conflict over not being allowed to do what the other kids at school are doing or TikTok habits is normal. If you don’t know what to say, try sharing your experience in an age-appropriate manner. This can include all kinds of parts of your past, such as making new friends entering in school, sexual pressures and dating, or witnessing your own parents’ relationship, for example. This might bring up tough emotions for you as a mom, so take care of yourself and be careful with your words. “When you reflect on difficulties when you were your daughter’s age, there are ways to share that without going into too much detail that will let your daughters know that you understand and are willing to talk about it,” says Taylor.

Experts say it’s rarely too late to try to repair the relationship. Eighty-one percent of daughters who were estranged from their mothers later reconnected, according to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

If there’s been a lot of conflict in the relationship, Hasseldine suggests working with a mother-daughter coach. It’s also important that there is a cultural understanding between the therapist and family. “I wouldn’t apply the same things to an Asian family as I would a Black family. The cultures are so different and so are the expectations between parent and child. The therapist should know and understand that,” says Scott.

There’s no certainty as to how things will go, so I remind myself while writing this that I’m not perfect and, luckily, there’s always more to learn. Being a mom isn’t easy, but this expert advice will help guide me in the future. My two daughters won’t be small forever, but I’m prepared to be there for them no matter what.